Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 82756 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 414(@200wpm)___ 331(@250wpm)___ 276(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82756 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 414(@200wpm)___ 331(@250wpm)___ 276(@300wpm)
Leaning forward, Holden dug his fingers into his thighs. “Tragedy.”
“Clusterfuck,” I corrected him. “Didn’t need to happen that way. And I was the team’s chief, running point. It’s on me. Listened to the higher-ups. Followed every damn order, but I knew better.”
“Those moments we ignore our gut are the ones that haunt us.” Holden gazed off into the distance like he knew a thing or two about second-guessing and self-recrimination. But whatever emotions he wrestled with over his accident, they weren’t the same as my marrow-deep conviction that Ev didn’t have to die that day.
“I left him behind.” I put it out there, raw but accurate. I hadn’t simply swum away. I’d powered through a multistep ascent as ordered, knowing full well what the consequences might be and trusting that someway, somehow, Ev would be okay. But he hadn’t been, and that was what I had to live with. “I had some emergency air left. There’s a chance I could have saved Evan. The others too.”
“And a chance where you both died.”
“That’s a risk I’d happily take. There’s not a world where I wouldn’t have given my life for his. Besides, he had so much more to lose. He was the hub of a big family and friend group, the sun at the center of so many orbits. Shattered a whole damn universe.”
“Yours too.” Holden’s voice was soft but firm.
“Not gonna lie. Might as well have died that day,” I whispered.
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.” I shrugged, which pinched like a fucker and made me grimace. “My career ended with that inquest. The medical discharge for PTSD was convenient, but the brass wasn’t sorry to see me gone.”
“That’s so unfair.” Holden shook his head, and I closed my eyes, unable to look at his sympathetic expression any longer.
“You wanna talk unfair? For ten years, I spent nearly every damn leave with Evan and his family. Then I came up, and he didn’t. Worse, conditions shifted, and we couldn’t get the casualties out, return them to their families. Didn’t even get that closure.” My voice was rough, and I kept my damn eyes shut.
“You can’t spend your whole life blaming yourself.”
“Pretty sure others do.” I tipped my head back, then regretted the motion and groaned. The invites to Abingdon had dried up after Ev’s funeral. Not surprising. But one more loss all the same.
“And that’s on them. If they can’t see that you’re hurt and grieving, that you loved your friend and would have died for him, then their lack of compassion is about them, not you.”
“Love. That’s a word.” Opening my eyes, I gave him a level stare.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to imply…”
“You wouldn’t be wrong.” I pursed my lips, taking a moment to consider how much to say. Fuck it. I’d already opened a vein for Holden. Might as well tell the rest of it. “Like I said at the clinic, I could write a whole damn script on how to pine for your best friend. But it wasn’t like that. He was a newlywed. Sweetest, kindest woman. She’s remarried now with a baby. Says I remind her too much of Evan to stay friendly. At least she’s honest.”
“Her honesty doesn’t make your pain less valid or real. Or make those unrequited feelings hurt less. I’ve been there on that too. I…”
“What?” Not only was I curious, but the potential to shift the focus off myself had me leaning forward.
“I’ve never said this aloud before, but when Monroe arrived senior year, I was quick to adopt him for our friend group. Friends first. Friends only.” Holden huffed a breath, and Lord, I recognized that resigned tone. “But when he came out a few years later, part of me regretted never making a move in high school. Neither of us was out at the time, and I didn’t want to risk awkwardness.”
“I feel that. And if silence sucked for me, it must have been even harder on your chatty ass.” I chuckled.
“Fear of rejection is powerful stuff. I went on to have a crush on this hot detective I shadowed as a rookie and, trust me, she never had a clue. And neither did Monroe.”
“And now it’s too late?” I phrased it as a question, but I already knew the answer.
“Well, hindsight is twenty-twenty and all that. He’s stupid-happy with Knox now, and with the benefit of age, I can see how we would’ve driven each other up a wall. And the long-term chemistry wasn’t really there, but I still had some real emotions about not shooting my shot when I could have back then.”
“I don’t.” My tone came out sharper than intended as words poured out of me, gritty and raw. “I regret plenty, especially not telling my LT where he could shove his by-the-book worries about my reserve air canister. But I don’t waste time wondering what if I’d told Ev. Fear of rejection? That’s kid stuff. Losing the most important friendship I ever had, the guy who had my six all through SEAL training, the family who welcomed me like an extra brother, the only person I could ever talk to, really talk to, was a risk I wasn’t willing to take. Standing up as Evan’s best man at his wedding, I was proud. No regrets.”