Total pages in book: 154
Estimated words: 148220 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 741(@200wpm)___ 593(@250wpm)___ 494(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 148220 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 741(@200wpm)___ 593(@250wpm)___ 494(@300wpm)
I won’t ever let them see it. Because here they are, shining with their love for me. I feel it, feel all that warmth sneaking in. But one day when they aren’t blinded by their relief, they’ll see what’s beneath my skin.
I can’t bear to think of that day. Can only think of what I need to fill me.
Getting to Papa. Burning down the whole operation. “You might be by yourself a little longer. I’ve got some business at the clubhouse that I’m going to be taking care of for a while.”
Business with a hot cunt and a lying mouth.
Anna nods, still watching me so carefully. “Have you seen Mom and Dad yet?”
Mom and Dad. Who’ll take one look at me and see the corpse walking around inside what used to be their son.
“Not yet,” I say and head past her. Because I can’t fucking do this. I shouldn’t be here. It was selfish to come here, to see for myself that she’s all right, even though I’m the reason she was hurt.
I just need to get my shit and go.
“I told them you were coming back.” Anna follows me toward the side entrance of the house. “But maybe you should stop by.”
“I’ll get around to it.”
Some day when I can look them in the eyes. Some day when Mom won’t pull me aside and get past my defenses with a few words, until I’m blubbering against her chest and telling her exactly what I’ve done.
I’ve got a feeling that day is never going to come. Better that way. They’ll remember the son I was. Not the rotted and empty thing I am now.
Anna stops at the base of the porch. “Was Gunner with you?”
“No. He said he had some shit to take care of.”
Like buying her an engagement ring. That’s the one positive bit to come out of this entire fucking ordeal—that he and Anna got together while they were searching for me. That after ten years, the two people who I love the most in the world finally pulled their heads out of their asses.
But I should be happier for them. Should be over the fucking moon. But I’m just...numb. When I’m not hurting, I’m not feeling anything.
Except glad that my sister has Gunner to look after her. And that they’ll have each other when Handlebar and I settle up.
Uncertainty tinges her voice. “Did Gunner say anything about...me and him?”
Just that he loves her. And that she loves him. Which I already knew.
But I shake my head. “Not a thing.”
Because so much shit’s gone bad. I’m not touching what they’ve found, not when I might poison it with the rot inside me. And I won’t ruin the surprise of the ring he’s buying for her now.
Her uncertainty deepens. Like maybe she’s doubting Gunner now. But they’ll work it out.
I open the screen door. Daisy’s going wild, so fucking glad to have me home, her tongue lolling out of her doggy smile and dancing in circles around my feet.
And, Christ. I don’t want anything more than to just kneel right here, let her slobber me with all her kisses. Dogs are so damn simple. They just love you. Just love you. They don’t give a shit that you can still feel your friend’s spine popping apart in your hands.
But Daisy deserves better than a man who’d kill a brother. Throat thick, I tell her, “Stay with Anna, girl. I’m no good anymore.”
And that damn dog. Even after I slam the screen door in her face, she’s still staring after me through the netting with her doggy grin, waiting to welcome me home, wanting me to pet her.
And I want to. Want to let that simple affection in every wild wag of her tail sweep all this pain away. But I’ve got shit to do.
I just shouldn’t have come home.
* * *
I unload my bike and leave Gunner’s truck at Anna’s. It’s cold as hell but the roads are dry, no ice or snow. About twenty miles on the other side of Pine Valley, an old dude ranch serves as the Hellfire Riders’ home.
Another home I should stay away from. Riding a bike without wearing my kutte feels like riding with my skin peeled away, but as symbolism goes…it’s real spot on. I’ve been wearing that vest since I patched in. Since I became part of this club and swore loyalty to every brother.
Now I’m returning to the clubhouse without my kutte. Seems like that should clue some of these assholes in, but every Rider I’ve met up with has greeted me the same way, real glad I’m alive and welcoming me back.
But they didn’t know Crash. He wasn’t any different to them than some other random man in the Cage. Gunner knew him, but we’ve been through so much shit together that I could probably shoot Gunner’s mama and he’d give me a pass.