Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 79137 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 396(@200wpm)___ 317(@250wpm)___ 264(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 79137 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 396(@200wpm)___ 317(@250wpm)___ 264(@300wpm)
Lazarus got that.
"I'm worried about him."
I wasn't exactly the type to share that kind of information easily and openly. I tended to be a more 'suffer in silence' type. But I was also self-aware enough to know it wasn't healthy, it wouldn't help anything, and it was likely how it had been so easy to fall into an addiction.
"Not therapist to client here, but girl to girl who is with a guy in a dangerous job too- they can handle themselves. You're never going to not worry about them when they are on a job, but after the first five or six times, you start to realize they generally don't even come back with scratches on them."
"He shouldn't even be handling this. This is my problem."
Her smile spread slowly, making her look a little wicked. "That's something you're going to have to get used to about these men too. You don't get to have a problem without them sticking their nose in it and trying to fix it. Johnnie once tried to like Life Hack my period. In case you're wondering, that pressure point thing for cramps does not work. Though him coming home from work with a bag full of chocolate and a pizza for the kids really does."
There was no mistaking it.
It was in the way her eyes went all melty, the way her voice took on a softer tone, the way her smile threatened to split her face.
She and Johnnie were the real deal.
There was a strange longing feeling in my belly right then.
It was new to me, always being someone who cut the strings before they could wrap me up. But I realized with blinding clarity that I wanted what they had. I wanted what Reign and Summer had, what Wolf and Janie had, what Cash and Lo had, what Maze and Repo had, what Duke and Penny had, what Renny and Mina had and what I imagined Alex had with Breaker and Elsie with Paine.
I wanted that 'can't imagine a life without you' love.
I want that love that could still give Amelia that look even after two kids and years together.
I wanted that.
With Lazarus, my heart added.
Don't get ahead of yourself, my brain chimed in, you might love him, but he doesn't love you yet.
"On a scale of one to ten, how bad do you want to use today?"
I shrugged at that. "I don't ever want to use again. But the urge is maybe stronger than it has been since when I was actively withdrawing. A five? Six before you guys all showed up."
"Well, six isn't that bad," she said, shrugging it off. "And it might seem like the cleaning behavior was over the top, but it's normal to find a crutch like that to fall back on. It's not unhealthy. But I do think you need to find someone other than Laz who you can lean on when you're having a bad day. I don't think I have to tell you that this isn't the only one you will have. And there are going to be times when Lazarus can't be around. I'm, of course, always around and literally any one of those women out there will drop anything for you should you need it- drag you up to Hailstorm and teach you self-defense, take you into town for coffee or shopping, take you out for target practice. Anything to get your mind onto other things."
"It's a pretty incredible thing, this girls club."
I had never seen such a large number of very different women get along so well. And it was amazing how they all managed to play off of each other. It also said a lot about each and every one of them that they so willingly opened their arms to any new woman who came along, brought them into the fold, helped them get acclimated. Even though I was practically a stranger to them, they knew I was struggling and they just showed up.
Just the thought of that made tears sting at the backs of my eyes. I blinked hard against them, not wanting to open those floodgates because with how high-strung I was feeling, I knew it would lead to ugly snot crying and no one needed that.
"Some of the girls kind of are in this lifestyle like Lo and Janie and in a way, Maze. But for the rest of us, we normal chicks, it really helps to have them around to help normalize a situation that otherwise is anything but normal. They're all truly the best women I have ever met."
I didn't doubt that.
And while a part of me felt like an outsider, felt like someone who maybe they would see as an interloper, I really liked the idea of having that kind of support system. Amelia was right; it would help to have an array of people to choose from to call on a bad day, to just help me get out of the house and out of my own head.