Total pages in book: 155
Estimated words: 145634 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 728(@200wpm)___ 583(@250wpm)___ 485(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 145634 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 728(@200wpm)___ 583(@250wpm)___ 485(@300wpm)
“I found out about your mom from Sandra,” I say as I crawl into bed. “I found out about the fight from her too,” my words are soft as I cuddle up to him. His stiff and unmoving, ready to push me away I’m sure. Refusing to open up. “I want to be here for you, but I need to know what’s going on so I can give you what you need.” I stare at his eyes, willing him to look at me, but he’s focused on the ceiling, as if all the answers are written up there.
I rest my head on his forearm, his body’s warm and inviting. He slowly wraps his arm around me, maybe realizing I don’t want to fight. I’m just telling him the truth.
“Right now I just need you to lay with me. Just don’t leave me.” My throat feels like it’s closing listening to the raw vulnerability in his cracked voice. I nod my head and kiss his shoulder before nestling down next to him.
I think sometimes you have to push people; sometimes you have to make them open up to you.
And other times you need to trust them. You just need to hold them.
Maybe I’ve been doing it all wrong all these years not pushing him, but in this moment, he just needs me to hold him. He needs someone.
I slip my shoes off and climb into bed next to him. I turn off the second table lamp and roll toward Derek. Kissing his shoulder, I wrap my arm around him.
Right now he just needs to feel loved. I can give him that, because I really do love him. Even if he is a broken mess.
I scoot a little closer to him, my eyes adjust to the dim light of the night and I can see the dark bruise on his jaw. “Does it hurt?” I ask him softly.
He immediately nods his head, his forehead pinched and his breathing paused. “It hurts so much.” His words are choked as he moves his hand over his face.
My heart splits into a thousand pieces as he breaks down in front of me.
“I’m here,” I tell him with as much comfort as I can put in my voice. I try to hold him, but he doesn’t move. I don’t know what to do.
As if reading my mind, Derek says, “I’ll be whatever you want. I’ll give you whatever you want. I’ll tell you everything. Please, just don’t leave me.” He finally opens his eyes, their filled with sadness and vulnerability, pleading with me.
“I promise I won’t. I promise you.”
How can I? When you love someone, they never leave you.
CHAPTER 18
Derek
It just started snowing. The sky is so thick with it that it’s a greyish white. I hear someone cough from across the plot. My eyes travel to them for a moment, before focusing back down at the ground. The dirt looks loose, like it's just been placed.
My breath turns to fog in front of my face, and I know my nose and cheeks are a bright red from the cold. But I don’t wanna leave yet. All I’ve been doing is looking at the flowers I've placed atop her grave over and over again. But leaving here… it feels like I’m leaving Ma.
I can’t do it.
I need a break from this town. I severed every tie I have to it, except for the restaurants. I’m done with everything else. I gave the pot business to Tony. Left the all that shit on my desk for him and I know he got them. He made that clear in the emails he sent. I don’t want a damn thing to do with it anymore. He can have it.
He’s been texting me, calling me. He even showed up at the house a few times.
I called the cops the last time, and that was the only thing that got him to leave.
I don't wanna hear it.
I don’t want to hear how he loved her.
How I was the one in the wrong for leaving her in pain when she was ready. He only said that once, but out of everything he said, that’s what stuck with me. Cause that really hurt. The truth always hurts the most.
I still feel guilty about keeping it from Emma for as long as I did. But she broke me down. I confessed everything to her. She didn’t run away like I thought she would. I made her promise she wouldn’t, but I know promises don’t mean shit sometimes. I want to give up on myself, but she won’t let me. She’s never broken a promise to me. And I’m starting to believe she’ll really stay. I fucking hope she does. Without her, I don’t know who I am anymore.
I thought the moment I told her what happened with Tony, that would be it for me, but she’s still here. And I’m ready to move on from this shit life. I’m ready for something more. Something with her. I want to be the man she deserves. And I will. I’m walking away from all this shit.