Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 79749 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 399(@200wpm)___ 319(@250wpm)___ 266(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 79749 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 399(@200wpm)___ 319(@250wpm)___ 266(@300wpm)
Knowing that doesn't stop me from logging into the email I've managed to avoid for the last three years. After hating her the first five, I still checked it daily just in case I read the situation wrong and she did care for me like she claimed before we got caught.
I feel like a junkie giving into a hit for the first time in years. I know the high and the crash of disappointment is coming because she has never once used this email in all the years I kept checking it.
My eyes land on several unread messages. My mouth turns dry as I stare at the subject lines.
If things were different.
The days are long, but the nights are longer.
Should I miss a man who was evil?
The first email was written several months ago. The last one, the one I'm assuming is about her father, was written several weeks ago, proving she knew about her father's death before the body was discovered and identified by authorities.
I keep my palms flat on the desk because I still haven't convinced myself to open the fucking messages. The very last thing I need at this point in my life is to let my mind drift back to her. It hurts too much. She caused so much pain, and I'm not even talking about the physical pain and the scar left behind on my face. Her betrayal was bone deep. Her inability to speak up for me has altered every relationship I've had since her, being they're nonexistent, and I've chosen to lead a life of solitude.
My heart races, like I imagine it would if I were standing on the edge of a cliff, leaning forward and challenging gravity, as if it doesn't exist without a safety net.
I know the results of opening the messages will be just as catastrophic.
Hell, I don't even have to open the fucking emails, and I can already feel the way my brain chemistry is changing to make way for whatever these emails might contain.
My reasoning isn't based on any sort of science. I know I'm going to open the emails. I know I'll not be able to focus on anything else until I do. Just like I know they're all I'll be able to think about for years to come once I've read them.
It makes me hate her all over again. She should've just stayed in her own little corner of criminal enterprise and left me the fuck alone. But evil people will always do evil things, won't they?
A wave of guilt hits me right in the chest for thinking of her that way. Deep down, I know it was fear that kept her silent that day. Her father was a brutal man, and that was what kept her from stepping forward and declaring her love for me. I was so willing to die for her, but when put to the test, she wasn't willing to die for me. I don't know that I have a right to fault her for that. A lot of people will take a step back when faced with that choice. It's natural to want to live.
I click the first email, knowing I have to read them in order, and the sight of LUKE in the greeting makes me pause.
I only used that alias during that first case and refused it when the suggestion was made years later. I never wanted to be that man again. Luke Gannon was a weak man. He was flawed and easily manipulated.
I blow out a ragged breath as I read. Even though the words are typed, I can sense the pain and longing inside her. She writes of loneliness and years of sadness. She misses me and wishes things were different.
My lip twitches with irritation, but it doesn't stop my heart from beating faster, doesn't stop me from wishing things were different.
I shake my head and step away for a moment. It all seems like too much, like a ghost from my past is haunting me and trying to make me remember only the good times and none of the bad.
I force myself to step forward and to continue reading with a whispered vow in the back of my head that after this, I'm done, and not in a sense that I'll not check the email again. I'll delete the entire fucking account. Even with her betrayal and the years separating us, she still has too much power in my mind, and that's just one more thing I fucking hate about her.
Her emails speak of her unhappiness and her safety. She mentions the volatile situation now that her father is gone and how she's constantly wondering when someone will come after her. The hostile takeover has left many men in the organization thinking they have more power than they actually do.