Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 79749 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 399(@200wpm)___ 319(@250wpm)___ 266(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 79749 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 399(@200wpm)___ 319(@250wpm)___ 266(@300wpm)
His breathing is now different from how it was when I first sat down, and it's one of the things I learned to track after Damien hit me the first time. I knew it was one of the things he didn't consider when trying to catch me by surprise.
I don't know why, but my mind doesn't go to the same place as it does with my abusive husband. I'm not afraid of the physical harm I know Jericho is physically capable of. I don't fear him in that way, and it could be a miscalculation on my part. He pretended to be a certain way when he was infiltrating my father's organization, and I don't know that I can trust any side of him he portrays.
Still, I don't prepare to lift my arms to cover my face, afraid that he'll hit me. The same way I felt all those years ago when he looked at me that first time is how I feel now, only I no longer feel worthy of his gaze. I stayed when I should've left. Fear kept me at the house, under Damien's watchful gaze, despite the number of times I had the urge to pull Eli from his crib and disappear into the night.
Wanting things to be different now doesn't change the hindsight of the number of times I could've left in the past, and look where it got me. I don't know if my son is safe, injured, or even still alive, and the harm that may come to him is all on my shoulders.
How is Jericho the same but still completely different? Why hasn't the attraction I felt for him all those years ago faded?
Do I only see him as a way out, like he's the only chance Eli and I have for a different type of life? There's no life to be had with this man. He can't stand the sight of me.
"Why are you here and not out with the other guy?"
I watch as his eyes flutter closed, his tongue snaking out to lick his lower lip. I have no right to the way the sight of it makes me feel, so I look away from him.
"Eli is my son. I'm not allowed to get in the way."
"I didn't take you as the type of man who listened to what others say."
He's off the couch and in my face in a flash, his warm breath on my skin when he speaks.
"If something happened to him because I couldn't make the right choice at the right time, I'd never forgive myself, Peach. This is a sacrifice I'm making for him, and it's not very fucking easy. Are you purposely fucking poking at me because you want me to act like your sadistic fuck of a husband?"
"Would you hurt me?"
His eyes dart between mine before he answers. "No more than I already have."
The wind seems to leave his sails as he takes a step back.
"Fuck, you always had the ability to make me lose my fucking mind."
I don't take it as the insult he seems to think it is, but I also know better than to think it gives me any form of power over him either.
"Has it been hard for you?"
"The last eight years?" he asks as he plops back down on the couch.
It doesn't go unnoticed that he's a little closer to me than he was before, and I have to wonder if this is a little cat-and-mouse game that we're playing, despite all that is at stake.
"They haven't been the best," he answers.
"I mean accepting that you have a son," I clarify.
He shakes his head. "Not really."
"You already feel emotionally connected?" I ask, wondering if this line of questioning is something he'd consider another jab. "Is that why you can't help your friends look for him?"
"It definitely is urging me to take a step back and reevaluate a few things in my life."
I don't know how to take his words. I can't imagine any person would be the same after becoming a parent. There are just some things that have to change to accommodate that new role, but I don't know how he sees himself fitting into Eli's life. I don't know where that puts me in his life either.
Once again the urge to beg for his forgiveness for the way I bowed my head and stayed silent that day bubbles up inside of me, but I know it won't be received well. Some things are unforgivable and letting him be dragged to imminent death because I wasn't brave enough to tell my father I loved him has eaten away at me every day since it happened. I don't deserve his forgiveness for being a coward, but it gave me Eli rather than my own death, and I won't apologize for that either.