Total pages in book: 116
Estimated words: 110624 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 553(@200wpm)___ 442(@250wpm)___ 369(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 110624 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 553(@200wpm)___ 442(@250wpm)___ 369(@300wpm)
“I need to go,” he said.
“I know.” I nodded, offering a slight smile, determined not to show my sadness.
He got up from the bed and walked toward the bathroom, turning around and gesturing down to his pants. He was still hard. “I have to take care of this in the shower real quick.” He snarled. “I’d rather be taking care of it inside of you.”
I smiled. “Rain check?”
He walked back over to the bed and kneeled over me, kissing my forehead. “I am so glad you’re feeling better.”
“Me too.”
His eyes smoldered, and his expression turned serious. “I’m using that rain check tonight. I want you…all to myself. Promise me.”
I want you now. I want you to stay. I hate it when you leave me to go see her.
“I promise.”
He shook his head, and his eyes looked watery. “I love you so much, Nina.”
I knew that my behavior lately had scared him. Really scared him. He thought he was losing me. Hell, I thought I was losing myself.
“I love you, too.”
With no time for breakfast, he showered and left but not before stopping to kiss A.J. and me goodbye, lingering longer than usual this time.
I looked down at our son, who was now falling asleep on my breast, his mouth moving slowly but no longer drinking. “It’s just you and me, Bubs. What do you want to do today?” I bent down to kiss his head as his breathing slowed. “I think you’re doing it right now.”
Alan James was named after Jake’s father and my brother Jimmy. He was born six months ago after a difficult pregnancy that forced me to drop out of nursing school. The majority of it was spent on bed rest, and it ended in a planned c-section, due to the placenta previa, which hadn’t ever corrected itself. The recovery from surgery was tough. We had just moved to Boston right before A.J arrived, because Jake had to start his new job. Even though my mother had come to stay with us for the first two weeks, after she left, it was a really tough adjustment. Jake’s sister, Allison, has been great and tries to help give me a break when she’s not working, but living here, as big as their house is, was not the ideal situation. We really needed our own space, but it’s been difficult to find something affordable close to Jake’s family, which is what we want. Six months later, we were still living in his sister’s house, but it’s helped us work towards saving up for our own home.
My parents hadn’t even met Jake yet when I had to tell them I was pregnant. They were extremely upset at first, but eventually, they accepted everything. After getting to know him, they have warmed up to him somewhat. My relationship with Ryan is still rocky, although he and Jake talked everything out one night but not before Jake decked him in the heat of the moment. Ryan and Tarah have since broken up, and she moved out of the apartment. She and I still talk on the phone but have grown apart somewhat since A.J. was born. Ryan is now living with three brand new roommates.
Basically, my entire life was turned upside down in the course of a year. Looking down at my son, peacefully sleeping in my arms, he was the spitting image of his father. I knew everything ended up the way it was meant to. As difficult as all of these transitions have been, they’ve helped me grow as a person.
My only real regret was how I’ve treated Jake over the past couple of months as a result of what my doctor diagnosed as postpartum depression. Even though I seemed to be coming out of it now, when it was at its worst, I wouldn’t even let him touch me. I was convinced my body was ruined from the baby, even though he assured me that he had never wanted me more and that I was more beautiful than ever to him.
I had also felt really inadequate as a mother and began worrying that I couldn’t properly take care of my son. I would have nightmares about harming him that would keep me up at night. I was left alone a lot during the day and had too much time to think. It felt like I was going crazy. But with a light dose of medication that the doctor says is safe to use while breastfeeding, along with a weekly therapy session, I’ve felt a lot better lately. Apparently, with my history of anxiety issues and the hormonal changes I was going through, it was the perfect storm.
Jake had really wanted to get married before our son was born, but his divorce wasn’t finalized until two months after. Even then, I told him it was too early to get married, so soon after his divorce. He and I fought about it, because he felt that I doubted his love for me or that there might have been something else holding me back because of the way I had been acting. I realize now that my feelings at the time were a direct result of the postpartum depression. Lately, he’s backed off completely from the marriage issue. The last fight we had, he vowed never to bring it up again for as long as he lived. I almost wished he would, because now I worry that he’s moved past it. And I do want to be his wife…badly. When he walked out that door today, I wished so much that I was.