Total pages in book: 39
Estimated words: 36177 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 181(@200wpm)___ 145(@250wpm)___ 121(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 36177 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 181(@200wpm)___ 145(@250wpm)___ 121(@300wpm)
He’s not for you, a voice of reason reminded me as I fought against the pleasant memories of that night. Conor was so bright and kind. He deserved better than a workaholic who never truly learned how to commit, how to put her partner first above all else. And besides, what if he wanted children? I wasn’t exactly too old to have a child, but I was certainly nearing that stage, and I couldn’t steal precious time from Conor if he wanted to start a family. That would be selfish and misleading.
I was just leaving the club and heading for the subway when my phone buzzed with a text. I absentmindedly scanned it at first, then paused. I didn’t recognise the number but my heart pumped quick when I saw the message.
Hey. It’s Conor :-) I hope you don’t mind that Dylan gave me your number. I was thinking about what you said the other night about us hanging out more often. Dylan and I have a charity gala that we’re attending tomorrow night and I’d love for you to come as my +1. I think Ev is going with Dylan so it would be the four of us again. Should be fun. Anyway, let me know if you’re interested. x.
I paused on the sidewalk, staring at the message until people started complaining about me blocking their way. I shoved my phone back in my bag and started walking again. All the way to the station my pulse pounded in my ears as his message filled my head. He wanted me to be his plus one? That sounded an awful lot like a date and Conor was just so…so warm and inviting. I knew how easy it would be to fall for him, and I was certain he was very, very good at loving whoever he was with. I bet he spoiled his girlfriends. He seemed generous like that.
But I wasn’t generous, not with my time or my heart. Don’t get me wrong, I loved deeply, but in a no-nonsense, practical sort of way. I knew how to give love in terms of caring for someone who needed to be clothed and fed and a roof kept over their head, like Ev had needed when she’d been thirteen and her mam left. I just wasn’t sure I’d ever been good at the other stuff. Emotional intimacy. Commitment. Spending quality time. Being close in a way that opened you up and exposed all your vulnerabilities to another person.
In all honesty, that stuff terrified me.
It was easier to simply be capable, hard-working Yvonne. I was reliable for the practical stuff, would always be a steady hand in a crisis, but I wasn’t reliable when it came to matters of the heart. And I wouldn’t allow Conor to give his heart to someone like me when I didn’t have the ability to protect it like all hearts needed protecting.
When I reached the station I hopped on a busy carriage and held onto a handrail as I slipped out my phone and read Conor’s message again. One part of me wanted to say yes, but the other part, the one that had spent the last two days contemplating all the reasons why starting something with him would be unfair knew I had to decline.
By the time I got home my head hurt from overthinking. I’d gone back and forth over the pros and cons so many times that I was ready to slap myself in the face. I needed to do the responsible, grown up thing.
And that thing was making up an excuse and replying to Conor’s invitation with a bold-faced lie.
Sitting down at my kitchen table, I picked up my phone, drew a deep breath and composed my response.
Hi Conor. So good to hear from you. Thanks for the invitation but I’m working tomorrow night. I hope you, Dylan and Ev have a great time at the event!
Of course, I didn’t have to work. My only plans involved ordering a takeaway, consuming a bottle of wine and curling up with a good book. I momentarily considered putting a kiss at the end of the message, just like he’d done, but again that would be misleading. Still, after I hit ‘send’ I worried I’d been too cold. I needed to decline but I also didn’t want to hurt his feelings. About a half an hour later I received a reply.
No worries. I knew it was short notice. Hopefully we’ll get another chance to see each other soon. x.
Again with the kiss. Was he trying to give me a panic attack? Guilt ate away at me. I considered sending another message, but what would be the point of that? Eventually I went into my bedroom, shut my phone away in a drawer and went to make something for dinner.