Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 93140 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 466(@200wpm)___ 373(@250wpm)___ 310(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 93140 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 466(@200wpm)___ 373(@250wpm)___ 310(@300wpm)
Dr. Booth examined my face and nodded. “I understand. But perhaps you and I could still talk.” He stood. “How do you take your coffee? Let me at least give you some caffeine and Tylenol. It looks like you could use both.”
The thought of standing made me feel nauseous, much less jumping in a cab and taking the hour-and-a-half ride back home. I rubbed the back of my neck. “Yeah. Alright. I could use some coffee before I get out of here. Black, please.”
The doc disappeared and came back a few minutes later with two Styrofoam cups and a small packet of Tylenol.
“Thank you.”
He took a seat across from me and stayed quiet, watching me.
“I don’t normally do this. Haven’t tied one on like that since college.”
Dr. Booth nodded. “Did something happen that set you off? Drinking and showing up here, I mean?”
“Nothing that has to do with Lily.” Or everything that has to do with my ex-wife.
“We can talk about whatever you like. It doesn’t have to be about Lily.”
I scoffed. “No, but I’m sure you’d psychoanalyze anything I say to relate it back to her. Isn’t that what shrinks do? Find a cause for everything that happens so there’s someone or something to blame other than their patient? A man murders another man while robbing him—his father molested him, so it’s his father’s fault. Not the crack he smoked an hour before because he’s an addict. A woman kills her own child—she shouldn’t be blamed because she’s depressed. We’re all fucking depressed at some point in our lives, Doc.”
The doc sipped his coffee. “I wasn’t planning on psychoanalyzing you. I figured if you were here, you could use someone to talk to. I’m not your doctor, but I’m a man, and you’re a fellow man who seems in need. That’s all.”
Well, now I felt like shit. I raked a hand through my hair. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine. Trust me, I don’t get offended easily. Hazard of the career. Most people who show up at my door aren’t there because they want to be. Either the court or their family forced their hand. It’s not uncommon for me to be told to fuck off because I’m an asshole in the first fifteen minutes of a session.”
I smiled. “I’m usually good at holding my tongue for the first half hour of a meeting.”
Dr. Booth smiled back. “May I ask you a personal question?”
I shrugged. “Go for it. It doesn’t mean I have to answer.”
He shook his head. “No, it doesn’t. Are you married?”
“No.”
“In a relationship?”
I thought of Ireland. I was. Or am I? I don’t fucking know. “I’ve been seeing someone, yes.”
“Are you happy?”
Another loaded question I couldn’t answer easily. “It’s hard to be happy when you’ve lost a child. But, yeah…Ireland makes me happy.” I shook my head. “For the first time in seven damn years.”
Doc was quiet for a long time again. “Is it possible you came today because you want forgiveness so you can move on?”
I felt the veins in my neck pulse with anger. “Lily doesn’t deserve forgiveness.”
Dr. Booth caught my eyes. “I wasn’t referring to Lily. Forgiveness is something you have to find within yourself. No one can give that to you. Yes, I believe your ex-wife suffers from bipolar disorder that caused her behavior to be manic, and that, coupled with severe postpartum depression, made her do something unthinkable, but you don’t need to agree with me in order to find forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse Lily’s behavior. Forgiveness allows that behavior to not destroy your heart anymore.”
I tasted salt in the back of my mouth. I’d cried enough in the last seven years; I wasn’t about to sit in the same building my ex-wife breathed in and shed any more tears. I cleared my throat, hoping to swallow my emotions.
“I know you mean well, Doc. And I appreciate it. I really do… But Lily doesn’t deserve forgiveness.” I shook my head. “I should really get going. Thanks for the coffee and Tylenol.”
I stood and extended my hand to Dr. Booth. When he clasped mine, he again looked into my eyes. “I don’t think you want to forgive Lily. I think you want to forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong, Grant. Give yourself that forgiveness and move on. Sometimes people don’t allow themselves to forgive because they’re afraid they’ll forget—forgive and forget. But you’ll never forget Leilani. You just need to realize there’s room in your heart for more than one person again.”
“Tell her to stop writing the letters, Doc.”
Chapter 35
* * *
Ireland
Almost two weeks had passed, and yet it felt like a year.
Between my construction and work, I had enough to keep me busy. But every time I passed the exit that led to the marina where Grant lived, it felt like ripping a Band-Aid off of a fresh wound.