Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 88317 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 442(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88317 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 442(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
She giggled. “You’re lucky he didn’t use the Andy Warhol filter on your dick and duplicate it a hundred times.”
I cackled. Scottie did love to use that filter. “You’ve just given me a great idea for Christmas cards.”
She laughed. “I bet you’re gonna sleep like a baby tonight, huh?”
“I plan on it. After the day you had, you probably will too.”
“I don’t know. I haven’t been sleeping all that great, as exhausting as the days have been.”
“I thought you slept well in general,” I said.
“Not lately…” There was a long pause. “I slept best the night you were lying next to me, actually.”
I shut my eyes, trying to resist the satisfaction I wanted to allow myself to feel. “I slept really well that night too,” I admitted.
“I understand why you felt guilty, Josh. But is that the only reason you decided not to repeat it?”
The physical distance between us made me more confident in opening up.
“No, that wasn’t the only reason.” I exhaled. “I’m just trying to protect you, Carly.”
“From what?”
“From me,” I snapped back.
“You’re not that dangerous,” she insisted.
“I think you know where sleeping in the same bed every night would eventually lead. You think I have that much willpower? I’m a horny fucking testosterone-fueled dude who hasn’t gotten laid in a long time. I don’t trust myself with you.”
Her silence made me regret what I’d just admitted. I’d made it sound like I would’ve been tempted with anyone. But that wasn’t it at all. It was her. She made me feel that way. She tempted me.
“What if I told you I didn’t care about consequences?” she said.
“I wouldn’t believe you.”
“I get the dilemma—why you and I can’t ever be together. And I’m certainly not looking to recreate what I had with Brad or start something new right now. In fact, I can’t envision my future at all anymore. I don’t expect to find what he and I had again. But lately, I’ve just...”
“What?” I prodded greedily.
“I’ve been craving physical contact. It’s been a long time. I don’t even mean sex. Just contact. And the night you slept near me was the closest I’ve come to having that back.”
I’d been craving the same damn thing and a lot more. But I needed to draw the line on my openness now. I refused to admit how much I’d loved lying next to her. It was better if she assumed this was only about sex.
She spoke again before I could conjure a response. “I’m sorry if this is too much right now.”
“Too much how? You’re being honest. Which is a fuck of a lot more than I’ve been. I’m the one making you feel inappropriate because I’ve been giving you the impression that I’m unaffected lately, and you’re the only one feeling this way. That’s not the case.” As my walls started to crumble, I tugged on my hair. “I wanted to do more than just lie next to you. You have no freaking clue how beautiful you are.”
“Really? Because I thought you hated my face.”
I froze.
After a second, she laughed. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist. Totally kidding.”
“I fucking deserved that.” I sighed in relief. “But you want the truth?”
“Yeah…”
“I’ve always thought you were beautiful, even when I texted Brad that stupid comment. Never once did I think you weren’t beautiful. And spending this time with you—getting to see that your beauty is so much more than what’s on the outside—it’s been an experience I don’t feel I deserve.” I paused, contemplating whether to continue. “I wouldn’t ever be able to take his place, Carly. And even though you said that’s not what you’re looking for, I’m not sure I believe you. Maybe that’s how you feel today. But I don’t see you feeling that way forever. You deserve more than cheap sex with some dude who doesn’t have his shit together. You deserve a partner.”
“You’re right. I do deserve more. I just don’t know that I want it. My soul was sucked out of me the day he died, Josh. I haven’t found it since. I don’t want to feel anything. I want to feel nothing.”
Fuck. Her words mirrored everything I’d experienced for the past two years—trying hard to feel nothing. Except I had been feeling something lately. For the first time in a long time…because of her.
“I’ll let you go,” she said abruptly. “It’s late, and I know you have to work tomorrow.”
I didn’t want to hang up, but I knew the longer I stayed on the phone, the more dangerous it would be. I was probably on the verge of saying things I’d regret. If we were physically together, I might’ve done something I’d regret.
“Okay. Goodnight, Carly.”
“’Night, Josh,” she said as the line clicked silent.
After that, as much as I’d looked forward to my bed tonight, sleep evaded me. I couldn’t believe I’d admitted all that to her.