Total pages in book: 83
Estimated words: 77793 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 389(@200wpm)___ 311(@250wpm)___ 259(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 77793 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 389(@200wpm)___ 311(@250wpm)___ 259(@300wpm)
Hmmm, maybe his spirit animal is actually a hyena. Or one of those birds that always sounds like it’s laughing at you. At least that one can be found in the Canadian wilderness, where he lives most of the time now. At least, I think so. A woodpecker? Is that the one that sounds like that?
“No, it can’t,” Granny snaps. “We don’t arrange for people’s dead bodies. Yipes, what’s wrong with you? That sounded rather ominous.”
Ransom pays no attention to that whatsoever. “Seeing someone as in dating someone? Or you saw someone once with your eyes, or it’s just an online thing, and it’s going to stay an online thing? Or seeing someone meaning an age-appropriate person who thinks you’re an age-appropriate sweet old cinnamon bun and a grandbaby-sitting old lady who loves to knit and has a white picket fence and two and a half cats, and they’re never going to know the truth because this is you we’re talking about here. And this is us, and we don’t tell people the truth.”
“Rmm-hmmmm.” Loud throat clearing by all the women in the room ensues.
Ayana speaks first. “I think it’s romantic.”
“Super sweet,” Cass says, backing up her best friend.
Azalea nods emphatically, her eyes glowing and her face super soft. “Love knows no age and no bounds.”
“How could you not tell us?” Lennox barks. He’s still standing. “We need to…to approve this mystery meat. I mean, man. I mean…good lord, what a wretched image I just put into my own head.”
“Doesn’t he know that he needs to ask our permission?” Ransom grunts. “How old is this guy that he doesn’t know the rules of courtship? Fifty-two?”
“I think she said he was seventy,” Ayana answers him gently.
“Dear god, have you hooked up?” Lennox barks. He slaps his hands over his eyes, then goes for his ears. “Oh god, don’t answer that. Now I’m thinking about Granny’s naked time. My mind is melting. Meltinnnnnggggg!”
“Does his name happen to be Randolf Dyck? Short for Randy Dyck?” Atlas asks, pulling out his humor when we least expect it but going way too far as usual.
“It’s probably Asshole McAssington,” Lennox counters.
“Douchy Douche Douchebag,” Ransom grumbles.
“Deady Dead Dead Meat,” Atlas challenges.
“Minced Meat Burger Pie Dude.” Lennox is on a roll now.
Things are starting to get out of control, so Cass places a hand on Lennox’s back and steps in. “Whatever it is, he’s clearly a baller old dude because your granny is awesome.” The hand on the back thing has no effect, and because Lennox is standing, she literally reaches forward and grabs his ass right in front of all of us.
He yelps and dodges away. “Please don’t talk about balls and old dudes and Granny in the same sentence.”
Azalea takes charge, shifting on the couch and pulling down the hem of her red sundress. “I think you all need to calm down. You boys, I mean. Your granny has more than earned the right to be a hot cougar if she wants to be. I mean, an attractive older woman. It’s more than okay if he’s younger and she’s a little bit older than him.”
“No. We are not adding another stick figure to the back of our non-existent stick figure family on the car window.” Lennox fists his hands on his hips. “No imaginary stick figures for our imaginary stick figure family needed.”
“Oh my god, can we be a zombie family?” Atlas asks eagerly.
“If Lennox were a zombie stick figure, he’d be the one missing his brain,” Alden states dryly.
“So we’re not getting a puppy?” Atlas sounds terribly disappointed.
Cass stands up beside Lennox and stares him down before turning to each one of us around the room. “I thought you were all badass, progressive hacker dudes. I mean, I know you are. I’ve been a part of this family for a long enough amount of time now. I get the protective, macho, pissing on someone else’s pissed-on hydrant that’s been pissed on by someone else and someone else before that…never mind. I’m trying to say that this is a great thing.” She turns to Granny as she sweeps her long hair up and shoves it over her shoulder. “We’re all happy for you. It’s just going to take some time for the boys to realize that.”
“I’m thrilled,” Ayana agrees. “I’m more than happy to share my wedding thunder with this kind of awesome, romantic news.”
Azalea nods. “Congrats! And we all mean that.” She picks up Alden’s hand and waves it in the air. “Yayyyyyyyy! My Granny is smiling and happy and daydreaming, and that’s sooooo awesome and romantic!”
“I don’t even know what to say right now,” Granny whispers, but anyone who knows Granny can see there’s a ghost of a smile on her face. She crosses one leg over the other. In her black pantsuit, which is her signature look for all days, casual or formal, she looks totally calm and dignified. Not like a bacon-burning Granny at all.