Total pages in book: 101
Estimated words: 104745 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 524(@200wpm)___ 419(@250wpm)___ 349(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 104745 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 524(@200wpm)___ 419(@250wpm)___ 349(@300wpm)
An asshole I have no interest or intention of dating.
Drew C: So you’re single, hey?
Daisy: Would I be on this app if I wasn’t?
Drew C: Uh—yes? Plenty of people on these apps are not single.
Daisy: I assumed it was just guys who cheated on apps.
Drew C: LOL that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. I know plenty of chicks who have boyfriends who will still hit on anything that moves.
Daisy: Oh. I didn’t realize…
I always assumed dating was worse for women and not guys—guys have it easy! All they have to do is be cute and women flock to them. Females, on the other hand—the hair, the nails, the clothes, the patronizing giggle at dumb jokes…
Not to mention all the times I’ve been on a dating app only to have a guy ask for pictures of my boobs. Or a full body shot. Or ask how much I weigh or what size I wear and if they’d be able to lift me up onto their shoulders.
The nerve. Nay! The audacity.
Want to delete me because I won’t send you a selfie of my tits, go right ahead! You’re not the kind of guy I want to be dating anyway.
Bye!
Drew C: Trust me, it’s not easy for guys, either, which is why I’m on this app.
The next day…
Drew C: Have a boyfriend yet?
Daisy: Haha. Funny.
Drew C: I take that as a no. Any first dates?
Daisy: You’re really nosy for a complete stranger.
Drew C: Not a COMPLETE stranger. I know your age, hobbies, and location.
Drew C: Wait. That sounded creepy.
Daisy: Really creepy. Stay on your side of the auditorium during our next class, please.
Drew C: What’s your major, btw.
Daisy: Marketing. I think.
Drew C: Yeah, mine is biochem although I have no idea why.
Daisy: Why do you say that?
Drew C: ’Cause I’m never going to be a scientist.
Daisy: And why is THAT?
Drew C: I play sports. I won’t have to be a scientist.
Daisy:You sound awful confident.
Drew C: Not confidence—Facts.
Daisy: I’m rolling my eyes so hard.
Two days after that…
Drew C: Still rolling your eyes so hard?
Daisy: Obviously not. We haven’t spoken in two days. Clearly, I’m not still rolling my eyes.
Drew C: That was a joke.
Daisy: Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.
Drew C: All is forgiven—we’re all entitled to a bad day.
Daisy: Any dates on the horizon??
Drew C: Yes, one.
Daisy: Oh?
Drew C: Yeah, I’m going to squeak one in before heading to the gym this afternoon.
Daisy: Wow.
Drew C: Wow? What does THAT mean?
Daisy: You’re squeaking one in before you go to the gym? Do you plan on wearing GYM clothes?
Drew C: Uh, yeah? It’s just a quick debriefing.
Daisy: LOLOL debriefing. Is that what we’re calling it now?
Drew C: I mean, it’s a quick in and out to see if we want to do an entire date where we get drinks.
Daisy: Ahhh. You have your way of doing things and I have mine, I guess.
Drew C: Do you believe in wasting time on a long date that could lead to nothing??
Daisy: No—that’s why you’re able to do video chats within the app.
Drew C: I…did…not know…that…was…a…thing.
Daisy: There are three buttons at the top of the screen, one is the phone call, one is the video chat, one is just a regular camera so you can send selfies.
Drew C: Huh. Would you look at that…
Daisy: Do NOT even THINK about calling or video chatting me and do NOT even THINK about sending me a dick pic.
Drew C: Uh—I would never. Dick pics are for losers.
Daisy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Drew C: I’m serious. I’ve never sent a dick pic, and I’m not starting with you. No offense.
Daisy: Gee. None taken.
Drew C: I’m actually being serious. I can’t afford to send a woman a photograph of my cock even if I wanted to. What if she posted it on social media?
Daisy: I mean—if your face wasn’t in the picture, how would anyone know it was YOUR wiener?
Drew C: First of all, that’s a good point. Second of all, please don’t say wiener.
Daisy: I can’t help it if wiener is my favorite thing to call a wiener.
Drew C: Knock it off
Daisy: Nope. Over here living my best life…
eight
drake
“Yo, Bro. I had sex on the couch yesterday.
Sorry about that—so maybe don’t use the pillow.”
My brother still has no idea he’s on a dating app.
How hilarious is that?
And not only am I still on the dating app as him, I’m still chatting with Daisy, despite her best attempts to be rid of me. Sure—at first she was shoving back so hard that if I’d been standing at the edge of a cliff she would have pushed me in.
The sassy little shit.
I hadn’t intended to swipe on her.
Obviously.
Okay—I had. But it was to roast her for being such a salty bitch in class more so than anything, not get into a full-blown conversation with her, our full week of banter turning into two. It’s been… entertaining, if you will, the rest of my app time vetting actual prospective girlfriends for Drew has been minimal.