Total pages in book: 102
Estimated words: 105306 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 527(@200wpm)___ 421(@250wpm)___ 351(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 105306 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 527(@200wpm)___ 421(@250wpm)___ 351(@300wpm)
“Less of an asshole?”
“No. More—”
“Macho?”
“Would you please stop interrupting me?”
“Oh, my bad. I thought we were playing a guessing game.”
Honestly…
“He wants me to make myself more approachable, I guess? Those aren’t the words he used, but he said teams are looking for players who are family-friendly.”
This is the funniest shit my brother’s ever heard, and he falls to his back in a laughing fit, chuckling up at the ceiling, hands clenching his chest.
“Has he even met you?”
Of course my agent has met me—not in person, but these days, isn’t a video chat the same thing?
“Don’t be a dick.”
“Or what? I’ll hurt your one feeling?”
“Ha-ha.”
Drake finally settles down and leans back onto my pillows. “So what exactly is it he wants you to do?”
“I told you. He wants me to be more family-friendly.”
“Uh, you’re twenty-one. How are you supposed to be more family-friendly?”
Good question. “He told me to meet a respectable girl and try to be seen with her in public.”
“So like, not the girls living next door?” He laughs.
“Hell no.” In the summertime, they show up in their swimsuits and pretend they’re not sure how to work the garden hose. Next thing I know, they’ll be popping over in bikinis and UGG boots pretending they don’t know how to adjust the thermostat.
“Well, who then?”
“This was my point. I don’t know anyone.” None of the girls I’m currently acquainted with are wifey material. The other girls? Could get attached if I’m not careful.
No. I need someone who doesn’t like me.
“You could start hanging out at the library. You know, that place with books in it.”
“Fuck. You.” I laugh, throwing a pen at him.
“What about that Ryann Winters chick? She’s single now,” Drake suggests helpfully with a maniacal laugh.
“Did I not just tell you she hates my guts?”
“Actually no, you didn’t tell me that. You said she was salty, but when you offered her a ride, she took it. Meaning she didn’t want to stab you.” He’s quiet. “What’s she like?”
“How should I know?”
“You just took her home. She was trapped in your truck for what, ten minutes? Didn’t you talk?”
“Not about anything interesting.” I pause. “And she wasn’t trapped. She climbed in of her own free will.”
“You didn’t ask her any questions about herself?”
“Why would I do a thing like that? I’m not interested in getting to know her, moron.”
Seriously. Get real, Drake.
“Does she seem respectable? What was she wearing?”
I snort. “That has nothing to do with it. Also, she was wearing a puffy coat because it’s fucking freezing outside.” And a hat. And a scarf. “I couldn’t tell you if her hair was blue or pink or if she shits rainbows.”
“Then how did you know it was Ryann Winters?”
“I didn’t know it was her, but Diego told me where she worked, so when I saw a girl come outside, I threw her name into the air like a fart in the wind and she responded.”
My brother considers this information. “You have such a way with words.”
“Thanks.”
Drake pushes himself off the bed. “Well. This all sounds great, but you made me bored, and when I’m bored, I get hungry.” My brother stands in the middle of my room. “I’m gonna make a pizza since you don’t give a shit what we’re having.”
“Cool.”
He lifts his leg and lets one rip before walking toward the door with a laugh, crop-dusting the entire space.
What an asshole.
four
ryann
“Welcome to DumpVille. Population: you.”
– Winnie
Winnie:
Diego did WHAT?
Sent someone to break up with me.
What do you mean break up with you?
He broke up with me. But HE didn’t do the breaking up—he had a friend do it.
Tell me you’re joking.
Nope.
I can’t believe you’re being serious right now. Who does that? WHO????
We did that shit in MIDDLE SCHOOL. I remember Adam Blankenberg telling my friend Amy Wolf to break up with me for him. She told me at my locker after lunch and I took the Bart Simpson mug he gave me for Valentine’s Day and tossed it in the trash.
I would have done the same thing
Okay but for real, how are you?
Fine. Considering you and I were just having a conversation about whether or not I was wasting his time by dating him when I wasn’t sure…I shouldn’t be surprised.
Um, the point is HE DIDN’T EVEN DO IT HIMSELF.
I know, I know…
Well. Who was it?
You’re never going to believe me when I tell you.
Omg why are you keeping me in suspense TELL ME ALREADY
We were just talking about this person
K, can we not play this game where you give me vague clues and then I guess and get it wrong so you keep giving me vague clues? Just TELL ME OH MY GAWD
Dallas Colder
*Colter
Wait. For real?
Like Dallas Colter from the football team Dallas Colter?
The one and only, and he didn’t even flinch. Just ripped the Band-Aid off.
STOP. ARE YOU JOKING