Total pages in book: 71
Estimated words: 66330 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 332(@200wpm)___ 265(@250wpm)___ 221(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 66330 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 332(@200wpm)___ 265(@250wpm)___ 221(@300wpm)
My cheeks felt like they stayed warm throughout the rest of the afternoon. I’d forget about what happened with Con for a little while, but then something would happen that put me right back on the sidewalk. The sun at my back. My shadow stretching out to meet the tips of his fancy leather shoes. The way the rugged panes of his face shifted, first in surprise, then into something that I couldn’t identify, and then settled into the hard mask. I wished he didn’t wear those dark-framed sunglasses everywhere. If I could just see his eyes, maybe he wouldn’t be such a mystery to me.
By the time I left at the end of my first day, I was exhausted. Dealing with the exclusionary politics of the brand development team would have been tiring enough, but the way Con had completely taken over my brain was another. Not just my brain. My body kept reacting to the idea of him, the fantasy of us. It didn’t matter that the reality was that he’d pulled away like I was a leper, and that he was the most off-limits man in the world to me, even if he was interested. Which he definitely was not.
The strange, deliciously unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me he might be was just wishful thinking. A juvenile, sorority-girl fantasy. Time to join the real world, Lily, I lectured myself as I stepped out onto the street in the bright sunshine.
It was a beautiful evening. The sky was still bright blue, and the world felt awash in light and luxury. As I walked toward Halley’s condo, it seemed like everywhere I looked, extraordinarily beautiful people were stepping into town cars that were ready to whisk them away to fancy restaurants or exciting parties. It seemed to me that these people were all living in an idealized version of the real world. They weren’t walking home alone, fantasizing about someone they could never have.
At the end of my second week, despite the beauty of the day and the place and the people, my heart grew heavier with every step I took. It took me most of the way back to Halley’s condo to identify the feeling.
I was lonely.
Of course I was. Other than an occasional conversation with Victoria or a pleasant exchange with a nice guy at work named Devon, I spent most of my time alone. Once in a while I had lunch with Maureen, Con’s EA who I’d gotten to know over the last few years because she was always available to help Halley and I when we were traveling and in a bind. But as much as I liked her, I was still alone most of the time.
I hadn’t been lonely in—God, I couldn’t remember. In college, I’d lived with no fewer than thirty girls. It was impossible to take a shower in complete privacy, without someone banging in to ask to borrow your clothes or to see if you wanted to grab coffee, much less get lonely. In high school, I’d had a few good friends I could always count on. I had to trace this sensation all the way back to early middle school—when my elementary school clique fell apart and I found myself adrift, unmoored, in the sea of puberty.
I’d felt awkward and hopeful and desperately alone, and it killed me to realize that was exactly how I felt now, a lifetime later.
Back in Halley’s condo, I tried to ignore the feeling by completely unpacking and then going through each cabinet to get a sense of what I had to work with in the kitchen. The feeling kept pace though. I wanted—no, I needed to talk to someone. I called my mom, but she was at her book club. I called one of my close friends, but she was in class. It was just as well none of them was picking up though, because the person I really wanted to talk to was my best friend.
Halley.
As I stared down at the phone in my hand, undecided, it lit up. And of course it was her. We’d always been closer than sisters. Practically able to read each other’s minds.
True to form, the first thing she said when I answered was, “You miss me, don’t you?”
“Oh my God, you have no idea.” I gave into the sweet rush of happiness her voice brought me. “I’ve had a day.”
I poured myself another glass of the fancy dry white I’d found in the refrigerator and told her about the brand development team. Halley alternately laughed and groaned at my description of how cliquey they had been.
“I’m sorry, Lily. That’s how LA is. I mean, you’ll find nice people eventually, but you have to really scour the woodwork. They’re not just going to pop out.” There was a long pause, and I heard computer keys clacking. Halley was doing homework while we talked. I closed my eyes and leaned my elbows on the cool granite countertop of the bar, pretending I was sitting at the end of her bed with my own computer sitting on my crossed legs.