Total pages in book: 191
Estimated words: 182070 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 910(@200wpm)___ 728(@250wpm)___ 607(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 182070 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 910(@200wpm)___ 728(@250wpm)___ 607(@300wpm)
That time in my life, after I’d had to move out of my abuelita’s house two months before my high school graduation, when Connie had been living in North Carolina, Boogie had been crazy busy with work, Zac had been in Dallas, and my parents… my parents had been gone again, had been the hardest time in my life. I had loved my aunt and uncle, but they hadn’t been the woman who had raised me, or even my big sister. Moving so far away to be with Connie had been scary, but it had really been my only option then. I could’ve stayed with my aunt and uncle, but I hadn’t wanted to stay longer than I needed to.
And then everything with Zac had happened, and it had just felt like the right thing to do.
I’d hit my limit on loss and grief then.
I glanced up at the ceiling for a second when I felt my eyes get watery and my nose started to get a little funny as well. I sniffed and forced myself to drop my gaze as I told him another thing that was partially the truth. “I thought you didn’t want to be my friend anymore.”
His features slackened, and I was pretty sure I saw him bite his bottom lip for a second before his forehead was lined all over again as he shook his head. “At no point in my life have I ever not wanted to be your friend,” he told me in a stricken voice, “and I know you wouldn’t lie, kiddo.” His gaze was solid and steady. “But you’ve gotta believe me that I wouldn’t have ignored you, and I wouldn’t lie about that either. I wouldn’t lie to you period.”
Well, I could believe it, because it had happened.
But…
“You don’t believe me.”
Ah, shit. “I think you believe you wouldn’t have done that, but—” You had. “—I texted and called you, and that’s the truth.”
“I would have texted you, Peewee,” he insisted.
But he hadn’t. Because I would have responded.
“I was busy back then. Everything was crazy, but I—” He swallowed, and again, I knew what he was thinking. What he wanted to say but didn’t want to say. I wouldn’t have forgotten you, but he had.
Otherwise, he would have tried harder to communicate with me over the years.
Maybe he had asked Boogie about me.
Maybe he had thought about me from time to time at the beginning, when he was imagining messaging me back, but after a while, he’d forgotten.
And we both knew it.
And in a way, I was glad he wasn’t forcing himself to get that claim out.
It would have just been worse.
So when he aimed strained, light blue eyes at me, I didn’t know what to tell him, how to comfort him, because honestly, I needed a little bit of comforting too. Mine wasn’t out of guilt though; it was just at the reality. At the loss.
“Look, it doesn’t matter anymore, okay? There’s no point in… pointing fingers.” Because we both knew who had the biggest finger pointed. It wasn’t freaking me.
Zac stared. “No, it does matter, darlin’. It matters to me. I haven’t seen your face in ten goddamn years, and I don’t understand why, and the more I think about it, the more it’s pissin’ me off.”
I raised my eyebrows at him.
He kept going. “You used to hug me all the time, mess with me all the time.” His mouth went tight and flat. “Now, you treat me like we barely know each other; you barely joke with me.”
“I joke with you.” That sounded weak even to me.
He shook his head and blew out a breath that made his lips do a raspberry. “Peewee, I’ve got my heart up to here.” He gestured toward his neck. “And I’m gettin’ pissed off.”
“At me?”
“No, honey, not at you. At… everything. Myself.” His gaze strayed upward, and he blew another breath. “How the hell did that happen? I don’t understand.”
What did he want me to say?
Those blue eyes moved back toward me, and that time he sighed, his shoulders going down in the same way they had back when I’d told him about Paw-Paw, like just, down and sad and unsure.
And honestly, I hated it.
“No wonder you look at me like that,” he stated quietly.
My heartbeat was in my throat, but I asked anyway, knowing I shouldn’t, knowing it was mean to make him feel worse. “Like how?”
His Adam’s apple bobbed. “All nice like a stranger. Jokin’ with me and then rememberin’ that you don’t wanna do that.” Zac looked away for a moment. “I missed ten years of your life, kiddo. I didn’t even recognize you at first. I didn’t think I could feel like more of a piece of shit than I did that other night, but I do.”
He had missed ten years, but I’d missed ten years out of his too.