Total pages in book: 139
Estimated words: 130380 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 652(@200wpm)___ 522(@250wpm)___ 435(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 130380 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 652(@200wpm)___ 522(@250wpm)___ 435(@300wpm)
He wrapped his arms around her easily, but not in the way that made me feel even a little bit jealous. It was the way that said without words that he was uncomfortable, that he was just letting her sit there because he didn’t want to answer questions if he pushed her off.
I smiled.
I liked that I knew him like that, that I could see right through his façade.
Me: Call me tonight and we can pretend summer never ends.
As soon as I sent it, I watched him hastily dig his phone out of his pocket. He lit up with a smile as he read the text, and then he thumbed out a reply before tucking it away.
Later that night, I asked how his day was.
“Exhausting.”
“Practice?”
“No, football is my release. It’s the rest of it that wears me out.”
“Like, classes?”
“Kind of. I don’t know. It’s like…” He paused, and I wished I could see him, could watch his body mannerisms in that moment. “Sometimes, I’m hanging out with all these people, all my friends, and I just look around and realize that I don’t really know any of them at all, and they don’t know me. Aside from football, I mean.”
“You could tell them more about yourself,” I offer. “Ask them to be real with you, too.”
He laughed. “Yeah, right. The way they see me at my school, I’m just the class clown, you know? The jock who makes people laugh and has girls lining up at his locker.”
I swallowed. “A whole line, huh?”
“Don’t be jealous, Stig,” he said, humor etched in his voice. “None of them compare to you.”
“Oh, fuck off.”
“I’m serious! They don’t.”
“Anyway,” I said playfully, but mostly because I needed to change the subject before I melted into a puddle on the floor. “So, you feel like you have a role to play?”
“I guess so. Or maybe, as tiring as it is to play the role, it feels even more exhausting to try to change it.”
“For what it’s worth, I like you best when you’re real, when you’re open. You’re funny, yeah, but… you’re more than that.”
Leo was silent for a long moment.
“I wish you’d tell me who you are,” he said softly.
I swallowed. “Soon.”
Another week passed with me living on the outskirts of Leo’s life, in his periphery — there, but never really seen. I was happiest when he texted or called me. I was the most miserable when I was close enough to touch him and still somehow invisible. And it was in that time that I somehow found the courage I’d been searching for. Anxiety and fear still niggled at the back of my brain, but they were drowned out by the glowing orb of hope that whispered two words continually into my ear.
What if?
And so, on a crisp fall afternoon, I carried a notebook full of drawings tucked under my arm as I walked across campus toward the football field.
Practice would be over in twenty minutes, and I decided I was finally ready to tell Leo who I was.
Mary
My armpits were swamps as I stood there on the track that circled the football field, clutching my notebook to my chest and watching as Leo wrapped up practice with his team. Everything inside me screamed to turn around and bolt, but I fought against instinct.
My poor body was trying to save me, and I wouldn’t listen.
Instead, I stood as tall as I could, fingers trembling and heart racing. And when Leo was jogging past me with some of his teammates, I called out his name in a weak, cracking voice.
He slowed, head whipping in my direction, his damp, messy hair flowing like a slow motion commercial when he did. It stole my breath, seeing him that close after all the nights we’d spent together on the phone. His eyes were more golden than I’d ever realized, his jaw more defined, body glistening with sweat.
I waited for it, for the moment he looked into my eyes and just knew that it was me, that I was the girl he’d talked to every day and every night for most of the summer. I waited for his smile to spread, for him to run toward me and scoop me into his arms just like all the stupid movies had prepared me for.
Instead, he frowned, confusion etched in his brows as he slowed to a stop and walked a few hesitant steps toward me. “Yeah?”
I tried to ignore the way my heart sank, the way my nerves doubled when a few of his teammates stopped, too, looking at Leo, then me, then each other with this look that said oh, this ought to be good.
“H-hi,” I breathed, swallowing and reminding myself to force an exhale.
Leo still looked confused, but he offered a small smile of mercy. “Hi.”
“I’m sorry to bother you, I just…” Every word I’d planned to say flew out the window in my panic, but I knew I didn’t need words. He’d know who I was without me having to tell him.