Total pages in book: 177
Estimated words: 169272 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 846(@200wpm)___ 677(@250wpm)___ 564(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 169272 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 846(@200wpm)___ 677(@250wpm)___ 564(@300wpm)
“A lot of people do. More than you’d ever believe.” Bettina pauses. “I think the real question here is why both you and Henn haven’t told each other everything. Sounds to me like you’ve both been holding back. Playing it safe. Putting your best foot forward. But isn’t it way past the time in your relationship when you two should be doing that?”
I nod. “That’s an excellent point.”
“Do you think maybe Henn was scared to show you everything because he sensed you weren’t showing him everything? And by that I mean the imperfect parts of yourself—the darkest, most vulnerable parts, the most traumatized parts—and, yes, the most embarrassed and humiliated parts, too?”
Motherfucking hell. I hate it when I come in here and sit in this chair, expecting to be told I’m totally right and everyone else is totally wrong, only to find out I’ve played a big part in my own problems.
Bettina smiles at whatever she’s seeing on my face. And then, “Have you and Henn ever had a fight before the one in Maui?”
“No. This was our first.”
“Have you two ever had so much as a quarrel before this?”
I stop to think. “No, nothing comes to mind.”
“A disagreement—even about something minor or petty?”
“Well, I did tell him one night after karaoke that something he did hurt my feelings. But he immediately threw himself on his sword and promised never to do it again.” I roll my eyes. “So much for that.”
“Anything else?”
I search my memories. “Henn doesn’t love Lala Land like I do. He says he liked it but wouldn’t put it on his top ten list and also doesn’t feel the urge to see it again. Of course, I told him he’s a monster.”
Bettina’s visibly unimpressed. “Anything else?”
I purse my lips. “He doesn’t like Nutella. Also, monstrous. I found that out when he rented out my favorite crepes place and hired the owner to give us a private crepe-making lesson.”
“How thoughtful.”
“Yes, it was. Although, to be clear, I think he knew I’d like that surprise, based on what he saw on my phone.”
“Which you believe he’ll never do again, if you make it clear that’s a dealbreaker.”
“Correct.”
“Is there something bigger than food and movie preferences you’ve disagreed on?”
I think carefully, but all that comes to mind is karaoke night. And that’s it. Other than what happened that night, all I can think about is how compatible Henn and I are on important stuff. How affable and flexible Henn always is on small stuff. He has opinions, of course, but there’s no hill Henn’s been willing to die on that I’m not already firmly standing on beside him. Is that what I’m worried about—that all those hills we’ve been firmly standing on together have been a lie this whole time? No. My heart knows for certain that’s not the case—that, in fact, Henn is exactly the man he’s shown himself to be all this time. My perfect match. As a matter of fact, now that I’ve been able to talk this through, my heart knows Henn couldn’t possibly have tricked me this well, based solely on whatever he saw on my phone in the beginning. To the extent he’s been guilty of putting his best foot forward a little too much, then I’m guilty of it, too.
“You know what?” I say, straightening up in my seat. “I have full clarity. I love Henn and I want to be with him.”
Bettina smiles. “I think that’s a great outcome for you, although I strongly suggest you work consciously on letting down your guard. Showing Henn your flaws and imperfections and making him feel safe enough to do the same.”
“Thank you. I’ll do that.”
A gentle buzzer on Bettina’s phone goes off, signaling the end of our session.
“We can keep going, if you need to,” she says, picking up her phone. “I don’t have anyone else until eleven-thirty.”
“Nope, I’m good.” I rise from my armchair. “Thank you so much. I’m excited to call him and tell him I love him and I’m sorry for not being more open and forthcoming with him in the past.”
“Wonderful. I can’t wait to hear how it goes. If you need help with any of those conversations, take him up on his offer to do couple’s therapy.”
“I will. Thank you.” I give her a hug. “You’re the best, Bettina. Thank you for squeezing me in.”
“Any time.”
As I leave Bettina’s office and enter the parking garage, I feel like I’m floating on air. Like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I grab my phone, eager to call Henn, but there’s no signal in the parking garage, so I shove it back into my pocket. I’ll call him from the car, the minute I’ve exited the structure, and tell him I’m coming home—to LA—tomorrow. I’ll tell him when I get there, he should plan to come to my apartment and hunker down for a sleepover, during which we’re going to have a long, much-needed talk. Not only about the stuff he’s never told me, but about the stuff I’ve never told him. I’ll tell him I’m ready to give all of myself to him, no holding back.