Total pages in book: 133
Estimated words: 134598 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 673(@200wpm)___ 538(@250wpm)___ 449(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 134598 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 673(@200wpm)___ 538(@250wpm)___ 449(@300wpm)
“With disinfectant spray?”
“Yes.”
She nodded. That was acceptable, then. She’d forgotten to tell him last time. However, she’d returned later and done it herself.
“Now, tell me what hurts,” he urged. “I want to run my hands over you to check, but I don’t want to upset you.”
“Nothing hurts.”
He eyed her for a moment. “You were in tears.”
Cate turned her head away. “That wasn’t really about pain.”
“I’m going to touch you again,” he warned as his fingers went to her chin, turning her face back around. “Why were you crying, Cate?”
“I’d rather not say.” She attempted to pull back behind her barrier. To gather up her scattered emotions. She felt like she was being torn into pieces, as though parts of her going everywhere and she had to bring them back in to feel whole again.
“Cate.” His voice was a soft whisper and when he cupped her face, she jolted. More in shock than because she didn’t want him to touch her.
So strange.
Cate hated people touching her, especially when she didn’t know them well. So basically, only Rhodes and sometimes, Oliver.
But here was Ethan cupping her face with his warm, callused hands and she felt . . . safe.
Was this what it felt like when you were in a relationship with someone? Did they make you feel safe?
“That’s it, sweetheart. Just calm down for me. I only want to talk. The last thing I want is to hurt you.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, either. I’m sorry for what I said. It was wrong. Promise, I won’t do it again.”
“What did you do wrong?”
Well, hell.
She hadn’t been expecting follow-up questions.
“Um, if you would just tell me—”
“Hush, Cate.” A finger went to her lips.
How could he get his tone of voice to be both gentle and firm? It was clever. He moved his finger from her lips.
That was . . . disappointing.
Sheesh. What was wrong with her?
“You did nothing wrong, sweetheart. And it’s killing me inside that you think you did. That you’re so quick to apologize when you have nothing to apologize for. The day we met, didn’t you say that you didn’t have to apologize for things that weren’t your fault?”
Right. She had said that. However, it still felt like she had done something wrong and was finding it hard to break that habit of apologizing.
“You were upset. At me. That means I did something wrong.”
He closed his eyes for a moment.
“Are you praying for patience?” she asked.
His eyes shot open. “Why would you say that?”
“My aunt would do that. Close her eyes, scrunch up her forehead and pray to God for patience. I’m not sure I believe in God. He certainly never gave her any patience, anyway.”
“I’m not praying for patience and I’m definitely not upset with you. I was upset with myself because I . . . because I didn’t have your consent, yet I still Daddied you.”
“Is Daddied a word?” she asked.
“Cate,” he said quietly. “You know what I mean.”
“You mean that while I regressed, you took care of me?”
“Yes. Without your consent.”
“But you weren’t to know that I was, well, we don’t know if it’s a form of sleepwalking. However, I assume if I’d told you no or to leave me, then you would have.”
“I hope that I would have. The truth is that I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to leave you when you were vulnerable. But I hope I would have given you space. And not have breached any boundaries.”
“What . . . what did we do?” All sorts of scenarios ran through her head. This is what she hated the most. The not knowing. Why couldn’t she remember?
Panic started to take hold and Ethan grasped her hand. She realized then that she was flicking her hair tie against her wrist.
“Hey, stop. Why are you doing that?”
“Oh. I . . . I didn’t realize I was doing it.”
Shit.
That was the truth. But now that he’d seen her do it, would he realize it was something she did often?
“Please don’t do that. You’ll hurt yourself.” His voice was so gentle.
She swayed, feeling tired and overloaded.
“Please tell me what I did.” A horrible thought occurred to her. “Oh my God. Did I breach your boundaries?”
“No, sweetheart—”
“But I did things without your consent!”
“Hey, listen to me.” The words were sharp. Stern. It stopped her panic and made her turn her gaze to his. “You didn’t do anything that I didn’t want, understand? Nothing happened. But if there was something I wasn’t comfortable with, I would have made that clear.”
“I might not have been able to stop myself. I don’t know if I can think rationally when I’m like that. Because I don’t remember. I never remember!”
Suddenly, she started hitting her forehead.
“Cate,” he said sharply. “Cate, stop. Do you want me to get Rhodes?”
She shook her head. She needed . . . she needed . . . Cate didn’t know what she needed.