Total pages in book: 73
Estimated words: 69004 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 345(@200wpm)___ 276(@250wpm)___ 230(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 69004 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 345(@200wpm)___ 276(@250wpm)___ 230(@300wpm)
“What are you in the mood for? You haven’t left the apartment since you’ve been back. You reluctantly agreed to go out last night and then canceled at the last moment. I don’t think I’ve seen you eat, and you’re sucking down coffee like it’s going out of style. I feel like we’re in a rom-com.”
Matt rolled his eyes, stopped the drip to pour himself a cup and then went over to the kitchen table. “Did you have fun last night?” he asked. It would be much easier to talk about Parker than himself.
“Ah, changing the subject. I didn’t see that coming.”
Jesus. Now Parker was going to start in on him too? “What do you want from me? I’m in a shitty mood. Do you want me to admit I’ve always been in love with him? Fine. Yes, I have. That doesn’t change anything.” They were too different. It would never work. Matt didn’t know how to make himself happy. How could he make Oliver happy?
“It should change everything, Matt.” There was no hurt in Parker’s eyes. No regret that their own relationship had ended. They both knew they’d grown apart a long time ago; maybe they both knew they had never really been in love at all. They’d had fun together and they were friends—there was a difference. “What’s holding you back?” Parker asked him.
There was no thought on Matt’s part. The answer to that was simple: himself. He was holding himself back.
Stop making excuses and fight.
Grow up.
Good-bye.
Oliver’s words started playing games with him again, taunting him and teasing him until he felt like he would lose his mind.
Matt dropped his elbows on the table and let his head rest in his hands. Jesus, this hurt. Losing Ollie would always hurt.
“Do you want to know something?” Parker asked. He didn’t wait for Matt to reply before continuing. “I’m not sure I’ve ever really known you. I wanted to. I know bits and pieces of you, but you’ve never fully shown me who you are, Matt. Do you realize that? We’ve been together for years, and I don’t know who you are.”
Another truth.
Because Matt was afraid to let anyone see who he was.…Because he didn’t know how to love that person. If he couldn’t love himself, how could he expect anyone else to love him? How could he love someone without hurting them?
You’ll get there. I know you will.
He wanted to. He really fucking did.
“Who are you, Matt?” Parker asked.
He wasn’t sure what made him open his mouth to speak. Maybe it was the fact that Oliver said good-bye but still somehow believed in Matt. There had always been a part of him that wanted to make Oliver proud. “I hate modeling. I always have,” Matt admitted. Maybe that wasn’t who he was, but it was who he wasn’t.
“Oh…well, that’s a surprise. I knew you were losing interest, but I didn’t realize you’d always hated it. Why do you do it?” Parker asked simply.
The truth slammed into him, a fist to the gut.
Because it wouldn’t hurt if he lost it. Not the way it hurt to lose music, to walk away from music. Not the way it hurt to lose Oliver. Nothing could ever hurt like losing and disappointing Oliver. Modeling couldn’t crush his heart so it was all he had been able to risk.…
You’ll get there. I know you will.
He couldn’t risk any more. “I can’t keep doing it. I’m done.” Just muttering those words felt as if half of the extra weight he carried in his bones melted away. Like he was closer to just being Matt than he’d been before.
“Done. We have no contracts to fulfill so we’re good.”
Matt’s eyes darted up and looked at him. Was it so simple? Maybe it was.
Parker sighed, then asked, “What do you want, Matt? What do you really want?”
What did he want? He wanted music. He wanted his family. He wanted Oliver. All those things were encompassed in one thing that he’d run away from for so damn long. “To be happy.” He wanted to be happy.
“What are you doing to make that happen?”
Nothing. He’d been doing nothing, for longer than he wanted to admit.
Matt thought about the feeling he had when he played Oliver’s piano, when he looked through his old music, when he wrote.
The passion that pumped through his veins when he laughed with Oliver. When they made love. Or talked, or sat on a roof together, or went to the symphony, or to the museum.
He wanted that. He wanted all of it so much he suddenly couldn’t breathe.
You’ll get there. I know it.
The alternative was to say good-bye, and Matt didn’t think he could live with that. He didn’t want to.
He wanted more, and it was time to do something about it because the pain eating him alive from the inside out? If he didn’t stop it now, there would be nothing left of him. There was too much beautiful in the world for that. He’d seen it back home in LA.…He even saw it here in his friendship with Parker.