Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 62543 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 313(@200wpm)___ 250(@250wpm)___ 208(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 62543 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 313(@200wpm)___ 250(@250wpm)___ 208(@300wpm)
“I wish you had. I wish you hadn’t waited.”
“It’s not like I could have shown up and asked you out for coffee.” Jay huffs a chuckle, and it makes my body shake. His large arm wraps around me. “I wish things were different. I wish I wasn’t broken for you.” The smile vanishes as he rubs his eyes and lets out a heavy sigh.
“We’re broken,” I correct him. I chew on the inside of my lip, thinking about how to word the next question. The one thing that’s really kept us apart.
“Have you tried to tell John at all?” I ask him and stay perfectly still, staring at the bedroom wall.
“He hates me,” Jay says as if it’s a fact.
“He doesn’t.”
“There’s hate behind the pity. It’s why he doesn’t want to know,” he says and it makes my heart clench.
“Can we talk about something else, little bird?” Jay asks and then kisses my forehead. “Or sleep?”
“He’s the only thing holding us back,” I tell him. I need more. I know I can’t push, but I want Jay in my life fully and completely and I need more than this.
“Us?” he asks.
“Don’t pretend, Jay. I won’t let you do it, too,” I say and there’s a strength to my voice I don’t recognize. I add, “I love you too much.”
I want so desperately for him to say the words back to me. I want to hear it although I feel it deep in my soul already. I want him to acknowledge it more than anything.
It’s quiet for a long moment. My breathing steadies and my eyes drift shut as I listen to the sound of his steady heartbeat and sink deeper into his comforting warmth.
“Do you love him too?” he asks me quietly a moment later.
I don’t answer his question. I can’t. Because right now, I know if I tell him the truth, it will break him. And I’ll never hurt Jay. Never.
Chapter 22
Robin
It’s not snooping if you’re looking for something that will help a person you love.
I’m sure that’s what parents say when they’re searching their children’s rooms and going through their text messages. I need to find something, anything that could show John the truth. Something that’s irrefutable.
I’m sure all the evidence is burned and left in ashes, but that doesn’t stop me from opening one drawer and then the next in Jay’s bedroom.
If only I could find something. The thought makes my heart twist with pain. I don’t want to be the one to show him. I don’t want to be there when he’s forced to face who he is. It’s going to ruin him, but only then will all of us be able to heal.
The sound of the floor creaking makes my eyes whip up to the door, my heart racing. They travel down to Toby and I nearly smile looking at him stretch his back. An easy sigh leaves me, but then I jump at the sight of John.
I put a hand over my heart and try not to look guilty as I push the drawer back in. I didn’t find a damn thing. Jay isn’t one to keep things. Nothing worth any sentimental value. Nothing that reminds him of his past.
“Robin,” John says my name low, as if he’s afraid someone will hear him. Jay.
“What’s wrong?” I ask him as my blood chills and my throat gets tight. “Is everything alright?”
“I think we need to leave, Robin.” I nod my head once, thinking maybe I could convince him to go to the hospital, but he’s not in the right mindset. He wouldn’t believe a damn thing if I told him the truth.
I take a hesitant step toward John as he talks, “We can get out of here. I’ll take you home or …to my place?” he asks as if it’s a question. Like I’d need protection from Jay.
He has no idea it’s him who I need to protect myself from. “John,” I say and his name comes out like a plea.
“I know you feel guilty,” John starts and I shake my head, turning away from him to look out of the window. I cross my arms, feeling trapped. Not by the solid walls, not by the men I love, but by my past. And hasn’t it always been like that?
“It’s not about that,” I tell him honestly. “I can’t go now. I see why Jay did this. Why he wants it this way.”
I turn back to face John, and his expression has fallen. He’s leaving. I’ve failed them both.
I reach out for his hand and he takes it before telling me, “I can’t do this anymore, Robin; I need you to come with me.”
His thumb rubs back and forth over my wrist with a soothing rhythm. I lick my lips and look deep into his eyes as I tell him, “I don’t want you to go.”