Total pages in book: 49
Estimated words: 46152 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 231(@200wpm)___ 185(@250wpm)___ 154(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 46152 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 231(@200wpm)___ 185(@250wpm)___ 154(@300wpm)
My stomach drops, and everything imaginable starts to form in my mind, but before I can put voice to any of the thoughts, he’s rushing on. “When I met you, I knew that I needed you in my life. You were so much younger than me, so much more than I deserved, and we were probably doomed from the start, but I knew I had to have you. Everything happened so fast, but I didn’t care. I had to have my ring on your finger.”
He reaches over and rubs his finger along the band of my ring. I take in a deep breath and let it out roughly. “Okay, well, it doesn’t sound bad so far. But I mean, yeah, I’m younger than you, but I’m not more than you deserve, Beau. You’re a good man—”
He cuts me off with a shake of his head. “Give it up, Nat. There’s nothing you or anyone can say that will convince me you can’t do better than me. I know you can, but even knowing that, I can’t let you go.”
I cover his hand that’s on my thigh with my own hand. “I don’t want you to let me go.”
He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “When we got married, even though I was fully committed, I still had my doubts. There are things about my past that you don’t know about. Things I don’t normally talk about.”
I take in a breath and let it out, trying to prepare myself for what’s to come.
He shoves one hand through his hair and then covers our hands with his free one. “I didn’t have complete faith in you, Nat. In us.”
My mouth drops because I wasn’t prepared for that. “In me?”
He nods almost regretfully. “Yeah. You see, in my experience, women leave. They don’t stay around for things.”
I want to pull away from him, and I want to be mad, but I try to contain my feelings. I need to understand. “What do you mean things?”
“Love, marriage, babies.”
I almost feel defeated. “So you married me but you thought I’d leave you?”
He looks at me through hooded eyes. There’s shame on his face as he nods his head. “Yeah, which is why I wasn’t surprised when you said you wanted a divorce. I knew eventually you would leave.”
I open my mouth and then close it again. Is he serious right now? “Beau, look—”
He tightens his hold on me. “When I say I wasn’t sure, it’s because I knew I couldn’t bring a baby into this world… and risk it being abandoned.”
I jerk out of his hold. “You thought if I had a kid, one day I’d just leave it… leave you?”
He jams his hand through his hair. “Fuck… I know it’s fucked up, Nat. In reality, I know you would never leave a child that was yours… I know that… but I’m so fucked in the head that I thought… I thought, fuck, what if you’re like my mother?”
I stand up and pace back and forth across the room. All this time, I thought we were mostly happy, and come to find out, he thought I already had one foot out the door. Hell, he was never all in. He always kept me at a distance with him, his family, his business, everything. And just like that, it all makes sense. Like a light bulb has come on, I bring my hand up to my mouth with a gasp. I whirl on my foot and look at him accusingly. “Wait, is that what this is, Beau? Is this why I always felt like you had your guard up around me? Why you kept me as an outsider with your family, why you kept your distance… You expected me to leave?”
He blinks twice and nods his head. “I need to get it all out. I need to explain, Nat. When I was just a kid, our mom left us.”
I rear back. All this time, he never wanted to talk about her. I assumed she’d died when they were younger. “She left you?”
He nods. “Yeah, the day she had Lucas. She left the hospital and never came back. She decided she didn’t want to be a mom anymore. A husband and five boys, and she just walked out the door.”
He suddenly stands up and walks across the room, pushing the curtain back to look out over the backyard. He’s quiet, and I fight the urge to go to him. I take my seat back on the bed and wait. When he starts to talk again, his voice is pained. “I honestly didn’t think it affected me any because years later my dad remarried, and my stepmom Charlotte was great. We made the best of it. Growing up, I never really dated women.” He leans his head down and shakes it. “I’m not proud of it, but I used women for my needs and not much else. When I was in college, I met a girl. Was I in love? No, now I can say I wasn’t, but we were a good fit, and we got engaged. But she broke it off after telling me that she couldn’t be with me since I was emotionally inept. She felt like she couldn’t get close to me, and I know that part of our relationship was true.”