Total pages in book: 59
Estimated words: 56786 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 284(@200wpm)___ 227(@250wpm)___ 189(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 56786 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 284(@200wpm)___ 227(@250wpm)___ 189(@300wpm)
He had to do it.
He had to do it for Aksel.
For Aksel.
So Lucien closed his eyes, buried his face in Aksel’s throat and breathed in, for one last time. I love you, he thought, his throat thick with heartache and love. I love you so much, in every way it’s possible to love a person.
But his feelings didn’t matter. His love didn’t matter.
He had to let go.
Be happy, please.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Lucien whispered.
Aksel’s body tensed up under him. “What are you talking about?”
Lucien rolled off of him and sat up, tugging his knees to his chest. “I thought I could do this, but I can’t. This sickens me.” Every word felt like sandpaper on his tongue. “You’re the youngest son of my husband. I look at you and see the little boy I watched grow up. It makes me feel so dirty. This is revolting, Aksel.”
He could smell Aksel’s confusion mixed with growing anger. “You were far from revolted just now,” he said tersely. “You don’t smell revolted.”
Damn his superior senses.
Lucien thought of the most disgusting things he could think of: other alphas touching him, fucking him, treating him like a thing. It made him feel nauseated. Hopefully he smelled like it too.
“It’s just sex,” Lucien said tonelessly. “It feels good physically.” Every lie had to be mixed with the truth to sound convincing. “Thank you for introducing me to pleasure. I had no idea sex could feel good. But it’s just physical, Aksel. I always feel wrong and dirty doing this with you, my stepson. It sickens me.”
Aksel growled, “Look at me. Look me in the eye when you say that.”
Lucien took a deep breath and turned around.
“Tell me you’re not serious,” Aksel said hoarsely, his eyes intent on him. “Please, Luce.”
A part of him longed to take his words back, say he was sorry, say that he hadn’t meant it.
But he couldn’t do it.
This was for Aksel.
He had to let go.
“I do mean it, darling,” he said softly. “I can’t keep doing this anymore, not with you. It’s destroying me. I feel soiled, like a disgusting pervert.”
Aksel looked at him searchingly, his scent growing thicker with his distress and anger with every moment as he realized that Lucien was serious. “I don’t believe you,” he said. “Why would you spend my fucking rut with me if this disgusted you?”
This was the question Lucien had hoped he wouldn’t ask. Because it was the hardest thing to explain away. The hardest thing to lie about.
“I spent your rut with you because I was curious.”
Aksel’s scent soured. “Curious,” he repeated flatly.
God, it turned Lucien’s stomach. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to hurt Aksel like this. “Yes. It was… very satisfying. It was even better than people said.”
Aksel recoiled.
Nausea rose to Lucien’s throat. He hated it, hated reducing their connection to a fetish, hated hurting Aksel like this.
“I loved it,” Lucien whispered. “And that sickened me even more afterward. It proved that there’s something wrong with me. I’m sick. Rotten to the core. How could I love having sex with a—with a beast?” He nearly choked on the vile word but forced it out.
Aksel’s expression shattered. But he still didn’t seem to be buying it completely. “Lucien,” he said roughly, reaching for him.
Lucien moved away hastily, nearly falling off the bed. He couldn’t allow Aksel to touch him. He was too weak. He didn’t trust himself not to crumble and cling to him if Aksel touched him.
“Don’t,” he said sharply, getting to his feet. “Stop being so pushy! All you do is push me! You’re no better than the assholes who raped me and ruined my life!”
Aksel flinched as if physically struck.
Feeling sick to his stomach from the bullshit coming out of his mouth, Lucien forced himself to continue. “They also didn’t take no for an answer and used my biology against me. Just because I physically liked being fucked during my first heat doesn’t mean I didn’t feel shitty and gross afterward. It’s the same with you. Exactly the same.”
Aksel looked ill.
He stared at Lucien as if seeing him for the first time. The warmth that had always been in his gaze when he looked at Lucien was gone. There was nothing in his eyes now. Absolutely nothing.
“Right,” he said at last, his voice devoid of any emotion. “I’m sorry I made you feel gross. I won’t force myself on you anymore.” He reached for his clothes and started dressing quickly, as if he couldn’t bear being in the same room as Lucien a moment longer than he had to.
When the door slammed shut after him, Lucien buried his face in the pillow that still smelled of Aksel and breathed raggedly, his shoulders shaking as his silent tears soaked it. He couldn’t even let out the sob that lodged in his throat. He couldn’t risk making any noise for fear of Aksel hearing him. He couldn’t even grieve their relationship properly. They hadn’t had a relationship. They could never have a relationship.