Total pages in book: 100
Estimated words: 98992 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 495(@200wpm)___ 396(@250wpm)___ 330(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98992 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 495(@200wpm)___ 396(@250wpm)___ 330(@300wpm)
Love.
They don’t always see eye to eye or even understand what the other one is thinking when they mess up, yet around all of that, there’s still love.
Love that can be seen.
Love that can be felt.
It would be impressive to find a photo of Xander and I together not lost on someone’s phone – especially because there aren’t any since he hates pictures that aren’t for work – but what would be even more impressive is to find one of those lost gems where there was a hint of adoration for each other in them.
Finding myself flustered by the imbalanced line of wondering if maybe Xander has alexithymia or maybe I’m just being overcritical with my past coming back into light, I hurry back to the kitchen, trash the smoothie, and head for her office.
By the time Katherine sits down in her chair and puts her device that is holding my most sacred memories hostage like it’s some sort of cloister rather than a cell phone, I’ve spread myself out on the same couch I simply sat on before.
“It’s interesting that you brought up the subject of gifts today-”
“I’ve come to learn that I don’t like it when you begin conversations that way.”
“I’ve come to learn that I don’t like your disgusting gym shoes on my sofa.”
Getting the hint, I lean upward to properly remove my footwear.
“I believe that gestures of love are often symbolic. Xander’s refusal to buy you disposable things may directly correlate with the principal that he doesn’t find you disposable, so why provide you with such things?”
Surprised that idea never crossed my mind, I’m tempted to reply, but not sure how.
“While that’s not what I personally feel in regard to the character from I, Robot that you’re in a relationship with, that doesn’t mean it’s not true nor does it mean it isn’t how he feels.”
Once my shoes are neatly pressed together on the floor, I stretch myself back across the furniture.
“Did previous boyfriends buy you tokens of affections?”
“Occasionally.”
“Anything significant?”
“Um…,” my face scrunches to one side in thought, “my favorite gym bag that I still use.”
“Uh-huh,” she hums to herself. “I see.”
“Yeah, your therapist talk is coming out super strong.”
“What about Ryder?”
Just hearing his name has my heart thumping harder.
“Did he buy you flowers?”
“Often.”
“What kind?”
“Whatever the florist recommended.” Not smiling is impossible. “There was a little corner flower shop not far from our campus that he went in to frequently. She knew him by name. Me by name. My corsage was the most beautiful one at junior prom. He didn’t even have to tell her what to do or get on ‘the list’. She simply asked what color my dress was and did the rest.”
“What about cards?”
The grin remains. “For the most random reasons. He once left me this card inside one of my textbooks on a Monday after we had been apart the whole weekend for family reasons. It had a pair of those kissing fish on the front and on the inside just one that said something like ‘without you, I just look like a stupid fish with pouty lips’. It had googly eyes. They wiggled. I giggled. Spent the rest of the day just doing whatever I could to let him know I missed him just as much as he had me.”
“Do you recall the last gift you ever received from Ryder?”
“I do.” Knowing there’s no use in denying that I want to keep talking about him, I simply let out a deep breath and continue, “It was a couple days before Christmas…”
--
Carmen’s favorite thing about the holidays isn’t the fact we are out of school. It’s the fact that so many bars and clubs downtown host great holiday drink specials. She has a fake ID that has scored her fun for the last year, but since we’re both eighteen now, we’re legally old enough for some of the younger nightclubs, which is where she insists that we be every night of the break possible.
My parents don’t object.
They’re happy I’m out being social.
They also prefer me with Carmen rather than Jamie because her they trust while Jamie strikes them as the professional con artist she is.
With Christmas Eve tomorrow – the first night Carmen’s parents will be back in town from their latest vacation which I think was in Morocco – she parties a little too hard knowing her family festivities of the next few days will be more sober fun than she can stomach. She mostly does shots and drinks and bounces around getting her blood alcohol level almost as high as her GPA.
I spend most of the night dancing with hot older guys, relishing in the fact that they don’t know shit about me. I can be whoever I wanna be. I even give some of them a fake name and number, promising to text them back in the morning.