Total pages in book: 108
Estimated words: 103010 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 515(@200wpm)___ 412(@250wpm)___ 343(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 103010 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 515(@200wpm)___ 412(@250wpm)___ 343(@300wpm)
“I don’t know. Nothing. Just…why does this make me feel so much? What we do?”
He sat beside me and petted my hair. “Because it strips you down. It opens you up to this place where you can’t help but feel. It’s like there’s this door in your brain, this place that stays locked up, and what we do opens you up so you can acknowledge it. It’s setting you free. You have to be open to me to do what we do, and it’s safe here and your brain knows it.”
I needed closer to him, wanted to crawl inside his skin and live there. Wanted us to always be a part of each other. “Can I…”
“Hold on.” Aidan changed positions on the bed, leaned against the headboard, and opened his legs. I crawled between them, lying on my stomach with my cheek on his groin. His cock was flaccid, lying in a thatch of dark, curly hair.
“Can I tell you something?”
“You can tell me anything, but afterward, I’m feeding you.”
“I…” It was weird because I wasn’t even sure what I was going to say. I knew there was something there, something that had always been there, but I hadn’t allowed myself to acknowledge it. “When I was younger, I used to be angry with my mom.”
“I think most kids feel that way at some point.” He stroked my head.
“Yeah, but…I was angry with her for things that weren’t her fault. I was angry she had to work so much, angry that we didn’t have enough. I was mad that she got pregnant with me when she did, and I felt like…like it was her fault we didn’t have family. I was angry that she had me so young and made them turn us away. I wanted a family so bad, Aidan, to be like other people and to have more than just her.” I held my breath, waiting for him to shove me away, to tell me I was spoiled and ungrateful and a horrible son.
“Finley.” When I didn’t move or reply, he said my name again, more sternly this time. “Finley.”
“Yes, Sir?” I looked up at him from where I lay between his legs.
“You were just a child.”
“So? I was a kid who knew how much my mom loved me, that she would do anything for me. That she felt just as lonely as I did, but that she felt it because of me, and I was still angry with her because of it.”
“And you still loved her too. We all feel emotions that seem selfish or wrong sometimes, but they’re not. You loved your mom, and she knew you loved her. You were young and confused. Feelings are…well, they’re a clusterfuck sometimes. There are times I blame myself for what happened to my mom and the girls, when logically, I know it wasn’t my fault. It was a thing that happened. A terrible, horrible accident. But no matter how much I know that, I still use it as an excuse not to get close to people or to be angry with myself. We’re human, and we’re flawed, but don’t think for one moment that those things make you a bad person. You loved her, and she loved you.”
“You think she would understand?” He didn’t know her, and maybe it made me immature, but if he said she would, I’d believe him.
“She would.”
“She loved me…so much. I still feel it sometimes. Does that sound crazy?”
“No.” He shook his head. “It sounds very much like you. I wish I could allow myself to feel it—my mom and the girls. Sometimes I don’t feel worthy of it, even though, again, I logically know that’s not the case.”
“There’s no one in the world more worthy than you!”
He chuckled, cupped my cheek, and smiled sadly. “You are so precious. So strong. I wish I could see the world through your eyes.”
“You are…everything. And I know that sounds childish, but to me, you are. I love you, and I know you don’t want to hear that. You think I’m too young, but I know how I feel.”
There was sadness in his eyes, a deep despair I’d never seen the depths of. It made my chest ache.
“I love you,” I said again.
“You’re quite fond of saying that tonight.”
My cheeks heated, and I had no doubt they were redder than my ass. “It’s true.”
Aidan sighed. “I know. I won’t tell you how you feel. And I…I’m struggling with the fact that I very much feel the same.”
I tried to sit up and cheer that Aidan loved me, but he held me in place and shook his head. If I continued, the moment would be over, so I held my breath and waited.
“I didn’t expect to feel this. Ever. Not for you or anyone. And I do struggle with the fact that you’re only twenty. I don’t ever want to take advantage of you or, again, for you to feel like you have no choice other than me. I worry that I don’t have it in me to love you the way you deserve. That I’ll hold on too tight because I don’t want to lose you, or that I’ll keep myself closed off so I don’t lose you. It’s been too long since I allowed myself to love someone, and I don’t know that I’m very good at it.”