Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 81986 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 410(@200wpm)___ 328(@250wpm)___ 273(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81986 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 410(@200wpm)___ 328(@250wpm)___ 273(@300wpm)
“But it helps with the darkness? Doing the dives?” I had to know.
“Some.” He gave a maddening shrug. “Wish I had better answers for you. We all just gotta do what we do to get through. I give closure where I can. Doesn’t make up for the closure some of us never got.”
“Oh.” I understood now, finally. Atonement. He wasn’t only fighting darkness. He was making amends. And fuck, that was noble because hell if I even knew how to turn my mountain of guilt into something useful. I stood in awe of Cal at last.
“Don’t you put me on a pedestal,” he warned, shaking a long finger. “You, of all people, should get it. Sure, deeds might be more tangible than words, but sometimes they feel like just another hollow condolence. Take your situation. Maybe closure’s overrated.”
“Knowledge sometimes hurts.” I regarded him solemnly, holding his gaze.
“Yup.” He nodded sharply. “But so does not knowing,”
“No winning.” I sunk down on one of the new-to-us lounge chairs. “Thank you. Thank you for trying. For…bringing her home. She deserved that.”
My voice came out croaky. Sam was right. The word home had power and weight. But it was true here, and perhaps I hadn’t thought of things like that before. Cal hadn’t merely helped solve a mystery. He’d returned something missing to where it belonged. And yeah, the knowledge, the facts revealed, hurt. No escaping that. But Cal had done right by my mom, better than I’d ever managed, and for the second time that day, I was brought to tears, great gasping breaths.
“Hey, hey now.” Cal crouched in front of me. “She’s home now. That matters.”
“It does. It really does.” I wiped my eyes. “I was mad at you, and I know that’s not fair, but it makes me so damn angry. In the fucking water. All those years. So close and so far away. But you’re not the one who put her there. You’re the one who brought her back.” My voice wavered, a thread in the breeze. “Thank…you.”
“No thanks needed,” he said gruffly. “Told you. It’s a damn privilege what I get to do. And you’re the one who has to do the real hard work.”
“I do?”
“Yeah, you do. Otherwise, that darkness is gonna keep eating you up. You’re the one who has to make sense. Find what passes for peace for you. Only you can do that.”
“I’m trying.” I took a deep breath. “It’s hard.”
“Yep. It is.” He held my gaze steadily, giving me dignity even as I fell apart on him. “Hey, a group of us, mainly vets but a few civvies, have a PTSD support group. Casual thing. You’d be welcome.”
“I don’t have PTSD.” I tilted my head from side to side, trying to get my stiff neck to pop. “Depression, yeah, but no one’s ever called it PTSD for me.”
“Maybe they should start.”
Huh. There was a certain sense to that logic. Trauma. Post-traumatic stress. I’d had a trauma. And I sure had stress over it. “I’ll think about it.”
“And think about church on Sunday,” Cal added as he straightened.
“Not you too,” I groaned. “I know it would mean a lot to Sam’s mom.”
“No. It would mean a lot to Sam.”
“Oh.” I studied my hands, wringing my fingers.
“I’m a newcomer, but even I know he’s got it bad for you.” Cal’s voice was gentle but firm. “And like I said, he’s a good one.”
“He is.” I bit my lower lip. “I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Then don’t.” Cal made it sound so damn easy. However, I wasn’t so certain. Hurting Sam was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but letting him down seemed inevitable. Like earlier when I’d said something wrong. I needed to make it up to him, but I wasn’t sure I knew how to be the man Sam deserved.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Sam
A strange rustling woke me up on Sunday morning. I cracked an eye open as Worth emerged from the bathroom in a towel, a most pleasant sight, but instead of coming back to bed where he belonged, he was riffling through the bags of clothing he’d picked up at the secondhand store to supplement all the T-shirts he’d been borrowing from me.
“What are you doing?” I asked, my voice rough from sleep.
“Getting dressed.” Not bothering to glance back at me, Worth dropped the towel and pulled on a pair of the boxer briefs he’d also purchased.
“Nice butt. You should bring it over here.” I patted the empty spot next to me where he should be. The motion made Buttercup look up from her place at the foot of the bed. “Remember, I gave you the day off.”
“Church is at eight-thirty, right?” He glanced back over his shoulder as he stepped into a pair of dark dress pants.
“You’re coming?” This was news because he’d been noncommittal about church and lunch with my family all week. I’d stopped pushing after his emotional day on Friday. “You don’t have to.”