Total pages in book: 74
Estimated words: 73828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 369(@200wpm)___ 295(@250wpm)___ 246(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 73828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 369(@200wpm)___ 295(@250wpm)___ 246(@300wpm)
“I’ve done the best I can to keep this family together,” she says, “and you might think I don’t care about these causes, but you’re wrong. Because the only reason I am out there, is because of her.”
“Then why do you sound so dead inside when you talk about it?”
“Because it’s the only way I can talk about it!” she shouts. She wipes the back of her hand across her face, smearing some of her mascara. “You think I hid her all that time because I was ashamed? I loved her with every part of my being, and I didn’t want my daughter to become that carnival show that everyone was talking about. I know how they are. And you do, too. They want to hear about these kinds of things, not because it has anything to do with them, but because it’s interesting. It’s something people can talk about. But is it awful that I didn’t want the media talking about my baby, who was dying? Is that so horrible that I wanted to protect her from that?”
Considering how impassioned she is right now—so filled with conviction—I don’t doubt she believes it. It makes sense, but even though I can buy that she loved Becky, there’s one thing I can’t get past.
“So why did you start using her?” I ask, and now that we’re being honest and that she’s being open with me, I just want an answer. I want to know that my mother isn’t this terrible monster I’ve been thinking of her as all these years.
“I’m not using her, Mark,” she says. “I’m keeping her alive. This is the only way I know how to do that. By talking about her. And being involved in causes that matter. You think it’s easy to go out there and talk about watching the light dull in my hopeful daughter’s eyes so effortlessly? No. And I know how the speeches must sound to you. I know they sound cold, but I have to distance myself from the memories…to work hard to keep it together so that I don’t completely fall apart thinking about the moment when I watched the light in my bright, beautiful girl’s eyes fade. When I saw that she just couldn’t fight anymore. And I’m sorry that it’s hard to watch me do that on stage, but you have no idea how much harder it is to make it through this without falling apart. Acting like a hero when all I feel like is someone who failed her child. Because I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t…”
She tries to keep going, but it’s too hard.
And if she only knew how relieved I am right now. Knowing that I’ve been wrong all this time. That she has a heart and that she hasn’t forgotten about Becky.
“I miss her, too, Mark.”
She approaches and wraps her arms around me, her body shaking violently against me.
I cry against her. About everything. About Tim’s betrayal. About the loss of my sister. And about having my mother back.
I feel, for the first time in so long, that she cares, and the release of some of the pain of a heartache we’ve both been holding in for far too long.
35
TIM
I’m wracking my brain, going through my phone, looking to see if the video was stored anywhere else.
Did someone get ahold of my phone? Hack it?
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Nanna asks.
I sit on the couch, my laptop by my side. Nanna sits in the adjacent love seat.
I went ahead and told her after my attempts at getting the video pulled. Like he said, no telling how long it’ll be before news gets around about it. Although it’s been taken down. I just checked, and I think one of my emails to the company got some lazy ass to take the time to pull it, which is somewhat of a relief. Not that it makes it easier. Obviously, if Greg saw it, it’s likely there were others. Likely someone who would use it as political leverage against Mark’s mom.
“I don’t know,” I say.
I keep rifling through my apps and folders.
“I don’t know what to fucking tell him. I fucked up. Obviously.”
“It was a lot for him to process. It surprised him, but he’ll come around, and understand that you didn’t do it on purpose.”
“I don’t know about that.”
I think about how much I’ve changed since I met him. From dealing to working at the bar. To being happier and more open and honest with Nanna. It’s fucking amazing how much has changed, but I’m still the same old fuck up I’ve always been. Maybe I should still be dealing. Maybe I was on to something when I was talking to Greg. About not deserving to be with Mark.
“Don’t go second-guessing everything that’s happened,” Nanna says. “I see what you’re doing, and you have got to stop it. You’ve made a lot of changes in your life. A lot of good changes. You’re happy these days, Timmy. And do you know how much that means to me? To see that you’re not just miserable and taking care of me anymore? To see you out there trying to make a real life for yourself? With someone you love?