Total pages in book: 74
Estimated words: 73828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 369(@200wpm)___ 295(@250wpm)___ 246(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 73828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 369(@200wpm)___ 295(@250wpm)___ 246(@300wpm)
I can’t stifle my smile because it makes me think about Mark.
Jesse chuckles and slaps my arm. “Oh, really? Well, I’m impressed. Mr. Player-Who’s-Never-Wanted-To-Settle-Down found someone who can tame the beast? Who’s the lucky fellow?”
“A kid named Mark. I got it real bad for him.”
“You must if you’re talking about an honest life and shit. It’s the only time I ever hear someone who’s been working the streets say fuck about honesty. Kid, I’ve seen a lot of people fall in love, and I’ve seen their hearts broken and their pockets empty and then they come back to me sooner or later.”
“I’m glad you’re taking my new relationship seriously,” I say facetiously.
“That’s the real world. You know as well as I do that the fantasy of white houses and picket fences isn’t real. You know what’s better than love? X. And you know what can sustain you longer than love? More X. If not X, K, coke, weed, whatever the name of your pain is. And if you need pussy, or in your case an asshole, you can buy that on the street, too.”
“You’re a real romantic, Jesse.”
“I’m telling you how the world works. You like this guy for a minute, but that feeling fades.”
Not with Mark.
I refuse to let myself think like that. I’ve allowed myself to let this flame start, and I’m not going to extinguish it before even giving it a chance, especially considering I’ve never felt like this for anyone before. Jesse doesn’t know—doesn’t understand. I’ve hooked up with enough guys to know this isn’t like any of the others. This is different. This is special.
On my way to my beat tonight, I can’t get Mark off my brain.
I imagine how nice it is holding him in my arms when he’s asleep on my chest, breathing heavily, his brown locks covering his forehead. I’ve gotten into the habit of just watching him. Gazing at that peaceful face. Wondering how some d-bag like Greg could have thought there was any piece of ass out there worth losing Mark over.
I wish there was a way I could go back in time and choose a different path for him.
I’ve never felt that way for anyone. With Nanna, I didn’t need a different life because I didn’t worry about never getting to spend time with her in public over it. It’s just been about survival.
Happiness? That wasn’t even an option, but Mark makes me feel something I’ve never felt before: Hope. Fucking hope.
But I’m stuck between the life I want to be living with him and the life I live now to survive, and I can’t forget that. It scares the ever-living shit out of me too, because I don’t have a fucking clue where to even start with getting out of the rathole I’m in.
All I know is that I’ll find a way.
For Mark. For us.
20
MARK
“Hey, man. How’s it going?” Keith asks.
“Fine.”
He’d caught me off guard when he and his buddies walked into the restaurant I work at. I hold a tray of drinks as I move out of a woman’s path on her way back to her table.
“You’ve just been busier than ever right now. We need to hang out soon.”
“Yeah, for sure.”
I shouldn’t feel bad.
It’s not like he was dating Tim or anything, and he’s been fucking friending it up with the guy who cheated on me, but for some reason, now that Tim and I are a couple, I know I have to say something to him.
It was one thing when we were just fucking and I was sure that things weren’t heading anywhere.
Now I know better.
One day, sooner or later, I’ll explain to him what’s going on between us and why I never mentioned it.
I remind myself we’re not good friends. The only reason I know him is because he and Greg are both in the same major so they take a bunch of classes together.
Doesn’t make me feel any better, though. I’m tired of secrets.
“What have you been up to?” he asks.
“Oh, nothing much.”
Just tell him.
But right now isn’t the time or place to talk to him about my relationship with Tim.
It’s been so long that I doubt he’ll even care. Although that’s not true. I remember all the tears he cried. And being the one he turned to when Tim left him for dead.
Of all the awkward shit I could be dealing with right now, why does this have to be an issue?
We catch up a little…me leaving out the reality of what I’m up to now before he heads off with his buddies.
I’m ashamed that I’m not out to him.
I don’t like keeping Tim a secret from the world.
I’m not ashamed of him.
Maybe he doesn’t want to be associated with the governor’s son, but I care about him, and I don’t care who knows about it.