Total pages in book: 150
Estimated words: 136791 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 684(@200wpm)___ 547(@250wpm)___ 456(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 136791 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 684(@200wpm)___ 547(@250wpm)___ 456(@300wpm)
She harrumphs at me and then sashays over to the fridge before prowling around inside. Once she's got her lunch bag and bottle of water, she drops down in a chair across from me and cocks a brow. "You going to tell me what happened with Cade or not?"
"We talked," I say, pushing the rest of my salad to the side. I pick up the cap from my water bottle and fiddle with it, keeping my eyes off my best friend. Truth is, I have been avoiding her. I'm worried about what she's going to say when I tell her I'm sleeping with Cade. I don't want to see the condemnation in her eyes.
"You fucked, didn't you?" she says, a little too loudly.
"Shh," I hiss, hurriedly glancing around. We're the only two in the lounge, thank God. The last thing I need is for Principal Withers to overhear us discussing my sex life on school grounds. He'd have a fit and fire us both. The man has no sense of humor.
"You are sleeping with him," she says, speaking more quietly this time. Her dark eyes narrow on me and she points a manicured nail in my direction. "Spill it, sister. Now."
"I…" I'm not sure how to explain what we're doing together. It's not just sex to me and I know it isn't to him either. We've been inseparable the last few days. When we're not making love, we talk about everything and nothing. But I also know there's a lot he still hasn't told me. There's a lot still unsettled between us. I don't even know if he plans to stay in Los Angeles or if he's still planning to return to Seattle once Kaleo is dealt with.
Jesus, what if this is only temporary for him?
No, I don't believe that.
"He's still in love with me," I whisper, partly to Mariah, partly as a reminder to myself. Whatever is going on between us, it's not temporary. I know that much.
"Obviously," she says with a snort.
"I'm still in love with him," I admit.
"Duh." Mariah laughs at me and then must see something on my face. She falls silent, her expression turning serious. "You've been in love with him forever, January. After he left, I thought you'd eventually find someone else and forget about him, but you never even tried. Eventually, I realized that you would always be hung up on Michael. He's always been your one."
"I never wanted anyone else." I frown, thinking about what he said about waiting for me. He may have been over a thousand miles away, but my heart always knew things weren't over. How could I move on when I always felt like I was his?
"Is he moving back?" Mariah asks, popping a strawberry into her mouth.
The question sends a ripple of worry through me.
"We haven't talked about it." I bite my lip and peek at my best friend. "There's a lot we haven't talked about."
She frowns at me.
"I stopped him," I say before she can blame him. "He started telling me about why he left, but I didn't let him."
"Why not?"
I sigh, the sound full of reluctance. I don't want to admit the truth to her. I'm not even sure I want to admit it to myself, but I guess that ship sailed before I slept with him. We haven't been using protection, and I'm not on birth control. Now isn't the time to play the coward.
"Because whatever he's hiding is the reason he left me," I admit, facing the painful truth. "He's covered in tattoos about me. He almost died more than once. He's been shot, stabbed, and beaten so many times over the years. Whatever he thinks he did that was so bad…he's been punishing himself for it ever since."
"You're afraid," she guesses and reaches out to hold my hand.
"I'm terrified. He told me that I should hate him. That he's the reason I lost everything." I lick my lips, trying to work moisture back into my mouth. "What if he's right?"
That's why I stopped him when he tried to tell me the truth. I barely survived losing him last time. What if he's right, and I have to let him go all over again? I don't think I can let him go.
"What if he's right about what?" Mariah asks, her voice gentle. "Say it, January."
I open my mouth, but the words won't form. They're stuck in my throat, lodged there like they have been for the last seven years. So many times, I've tried to push them out…tried to force myself to face what happened. But I've never been strong enough to do it. The one and only time I said the words out loud, I lost Cade.
My eyes fill with tears, and I shake my head, silently telling her I can't do it.