Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 85950 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 430(@200wpm)___ 344(@250wpm)___ 287(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85950 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 430(@200wpm)___ 344(@250wpm)___ 287(@300wpm)
“I see,” she says. “Sometimes it takes a while for conception. Stressing out about it isn’t healthy for you, and it could even be a deterrent for fertility. Maybe take a month or so off, or maybe even try to forget about it altogether. Sometimes it happens naturally even without actively trying.”
I don’t know how to explain my current situation without sounding like a terrible person, but I can’t explain what things are like with Cash and how naturally isn’t an option for me.
I’ve probably already caused irreparable damage to our friendship by letting things get as far as they have.
“Okay,” I agree. “That makes me feel a lot better.”
I know without much consideration that this may be my last visit to this office. I’ve already chosen someone from out of town because I don’t need people gossiping about me. Although Dr. Millway at the clinic in town is nice enough, I heard once that, a few years ago, he had a few too many beers at The Hairy Frog and answered a private question about a patient to someone who was being nosy. I would die if he spilled my secrets that way. I moved all my private business out of town the week after hearing that.
I don’t linger at the food warehouse when I go shopping for my weekly supplies. I just don’t have the energy to waste any time. There’s no joy in my life these days, and it’s not supposed to be like this. The distance I’ve put between Cash and me was supposed to be healing. It wasn’t supposed to be painful and something that continues to chip away at me daily.
The lights behind me as I enter town aren’t surprising. If anything, it should make me smile. More than once, Cash has seen my car reentering the city limits, and he does this to get my attention.
“I just wanted to say hi,” he’d tell me from the driver’s side of the car.
I’d tell him he was abusing his power. He’d say something to the effect of I only break the rules for you, Ads. I would try to hide my smile because it would be confessing too much.
He doesn’t bother to walk up to my side of the car. Instead, he pulls open the passenger side door, moving my purse to the back seat, before climbing inside.
I keep my eyes locked ahead, unsure of what I should say to him.
He shouldn’t feel like a stranger, but somehow the last couple of weeks separating us feels like years, decades even.
I chance a glance at his face, watching as his jaw flexes.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
I take a deep breath, pointing my focus out ahead of the car. Looking at him is painful, causing an ache inside of me that’s unreachable, a wound that has no chance of healing any time soon.
“I just got back from the doctor. She suggested I stop trying to get pregnant.”
I feel his eyes on the side of my face.
“Is there something wrong?”
With you, goes unsaid because of course it has to be my fault.
I shake my head, refusing to give in to that spiteful whisper in my mind to tell him that maybe he’s the problem. Pointing fingers and issuing blame doesn’t help this situation at all.
“Everything is fine, but I think I agree with her.”
“Okay.”
Four letters, two simple syllables, yet it feels like a thunderstorm inside of me, a storm that leaves only destruction in its wake.
His agreement shouldn’t surprise me. Cash has always been quick to take the same side I do, but I think there was a part of me, hidden deep among all the hurt and bad choices, that wanted him to speak up and fight for what we shared. I want him to make confessions, to tell me secrets, that he has loved me for years and that he won’t survive losing that part of me.
I always seem to ask for too much, however, and his silence speaks volumes about where his head is at right now.
“I get off early today,” he says, his voice monotone and lifeless. “Maybe we could hang out.”
I can’t tell if it’s a lifeline because of guilt he may feel or if he’s just using those words to fill the void between us.
“I’m helping Harper finalize the fundraiser this afternoon,” I tell him honestly. “I figured Eastyn would’ve said something to you about it.”
“She didn’t tell me you were helping,” he says, and it’s like a jagged blade across my skin.
Eastyn has been to the bakery several times to grab the guys cupcakes in the last couple of weeks. She mentioned last week about helping Harper. Had Harper told me about her plans to invite Eastyn along, I probably would’ve declined, but it was before my “no” era began. I may be that way going forward, but I wouldn’t feel right about backing out of prior obligations.