Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 87538 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 438(@200wpm)___ 350(@250wpm)___ 292(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87538 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 438(@200wpm)___ 350(@250wpm)___ 292(@300wpm)
“But you have them,” I say.
“I do. But it’s different. For a start, I don’t rely on them financially. And I’m the oldest.”
“You give them money?” As soon as I’ve asked the question, I regret it. It’s none of my business.
“Not an allowance or anything, but obviously I pay Eddie’s university fees and expenses. And Dylan still needs me from time to time.”
“Jeez, Eira. You’re…” She’s so kind. And generous. “That’s a lot of burden.”
“It’s not a burden. I want to do it. My uncle didn’t do a lot, but my Portland fees were paid for through my trust.”
“And he didn’t help Dylan and Eddie?”
I shake my head. “He ran off to the Cayman Islands just before I turned twenty-five, which was when the trust was meant to be dissolved and I was supposed to come into my inheritance. I suppose I feel a little guilty that I got my education paid for but Eddie and Dylan didn’t.”
“Except they did. Because you paid.”
She shrugs. “I guess. But Guinevere isn’t going to have to worry about that. You just need to keep out of helicopters. And her uncles are a lot more trustworthy than mine.” She smiles like she’s made a joke, but I can’t help but think how awfully life has treated her.
She nudges me. “Whatever you do, you’re not my parents. You’re not my uncle. But maybe you might grow into wanting to give her more of you.”
I push my hands through my hair. It’s difficult hearing about her situation and relationship with her parents, especially when she thinks I’m going to make the same mistakes. But it’s different for me. “My work is—I know it sounds like I’m an arsehole, but I’m not talking about working to make money. I don’t need or want any more than I already have. I’m not doing this for selfish reasons—quite the opposite.”
“I get it,” she replies. “My father and mother wanted to be remembered. But mainly what drove them was wealth and status. I understand that’s not what you’re aiming for. You have much more altruistic goals.” Her lips press together and I can see her brain working. I want to know what she’s thinking—what she’s not saying. But I won’t press her. Not again. She’s had enough of that tonight.
“I think you have two loving parents who are incredible role models.”
Of course that’s what she sees. That’s what everyone sees. All I see is lost potential.
“But think what they could have done for medicine—for the human race—if they’d not had kids.”
She smiles at me, like she knows a secret that I don’t. “Oh, Dax.” My name from her lips scatters goose bumps over my body. “Did you stop to consider that they were only able to be as good as they are because they had children? Each other? A family?”
I shake my head and uncross my leg from my knee. “You’re a romantic. Even though you’re dealing with kids’ shit and vomit and god knows what else. You’re still a romantic. Or maybe it’s not romanticism. More like…you’re on the inside of a conspiracy. Everyone is too scared to tell the truth about kids and marriage. The fact is there are only so many hours in a day. I don’t have time to be a great father and a great scientist. It’s just impossible.”
“Okay,” Eira says. “If that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel.”
What’s she thinking? That I should have given Guinevere up for adoption? That I’m just as bad as her parents and Guinevere won’t miss me when I die either?
Sacrifices have to be made.
“You think I’m a selfish idiot.” It’s not a question. I can see it in her eyes.
“I think you’re a new parent, trying to figure stuff out. But no, I don’t think you’re going to end up like my parents, if that’s what you think.”
I pause, wanting her to say more. Because I don’t see this going any other way.
Guinevere has finished her bottle and fallen asleep, if she was ever awake. Eira stands and places Guinevere back in the travel cot right next to my bed.
“I think you come from a loving family. I think you like to get on with things your way. Maybe you’re the brightest among them. Maybe you’re in a position to make more of a mark on this world than any of your brothers or your parents. You might be different than them, but your values, who you are inside, that was fixed a long time ago. And you’re already more of a father to Guinevere than my father ever was to me.”
I stand, and we’re inches from each other.
“You can’t know that about me. I sometimes wish her away. I think about getting a weekend nanny. An overnight nanny—”
She presses her finger to my lips and I’m silent. The heat of her buzzes against my skin.