Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 80651 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80651 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
We knew from the outset that it wasn’t going to last between us. I just didn’t expect it to hurt so much. I didn’t expect to lie in bed at night, unable to fall asleep because all I kept thinking about was how it would feel if Jacob were next to me.
“If Jacob feels for you what you obviously feel for him, he needs to figure out a way through,” Tristan said.
Easier said than done. I knew it was never going to happen. Tristan had been trying to help, but in the end, I was pretty sure he’d made it worse. Maybe life didn’t always have to be such a struggle, but as far as I knew, I didn’t have a magic wand either. There would always be insurmountable obstacles between Jacob and me.
I had to make peace with that.
Thirty-Five
Jacob
I could almost pretend I was in Norfolk if I blocked out the distant sounds of the traffic, laughter, chatter, and occasional shouting from the bank of the Serpentine. Lying in a rowing boat in Hyde Park didn’t exactly recreate the anti-stress chamber of the old, abandoned rowing boat I’d discovered in the marshes just off the north Norfolk coastal path, but it was as good as I was going to get in central London.
I was trying to figure out my next steps. What did I want out of life, my career, my legacy? Where did I see myself?
The only image I could see was Sutton. I wanted her. I didn’t want to just date her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. The more I thought about it, the more it became clear.
I just wasn’t sure how I could make it happen.
After I solved that mystery, I needed to figure out what I wanted in my career. I knew in my gut that I loved teaching med students and foundation doctors, but I could do that and not head up the foundation program. I did it at the moment and it was the best part of my job. Heading up the foundation program would just mean a bunch of additional administration I wouldn’t enjoy. Like my mum had said, I needed to focus on enjoying what I did and staying open to possibilities and opportunities.
I tucked my hands behind my head, enjoying the sensation of floating without a tether or destination. I loved my job. And I enjoyed the conversations I had with Nathan about business. Just like Mum said, maybe there were other opportunities I’d been blind to because I had such a fixed goal in my mind.
Maybe I didn’t need a plan.
I stared up at the sky and tried to not think about anything, but Sutton’s face kept coming into focus.
There was officially nothing stopping me from dating Sutton anymore. I didn’t know if that was better or worse given we still couldn’t be together because of her desire not to be sleeping with her boss. One problem down, one to go.
* * *
Maybe if I stayed in this boat long enough, I’d figure out how to create a future with Sutton by my side. All I knew was I was going to lie in rowing boats as many times as it took to find a way forward.
Thirty-Six
Sutton
It was Sunday, which meant libraries were shut and art galleries were overrun with tourists. But I needed a place to think—somewhere to calm my rising anxiety over my next steps with work and with Jacob. I wasn’t sure there was a next step with Jacob, but I needed to clear my head to be sure.
I was on a mission to find myself a rowing boat to lie in.
The conversation with Parker and Tristan had helped me realize I needed to understand that my background didn’t make me a worse doctor. And that I shouldn’t care what people thought. I wasn’t fully on board that ship, but I was staring at the gangplank—it was a start. The thought that Jacob might be waiting for me on the other side was enough for me to want to commit to believing in myself more. I’d get there. I always did.
I just couldn’t see Jacob giving up what he needed for me.
I needed to figure out a way through for him. Maybe the rowing boat would help.
The forecast had said it was going to rain all day, but the blue sky and bright sun proved the weathermen wrong. I’d slipped on my favorite summer dress—blue and white striped with blue puffy sleeves—and taken the bus to Hyde Park. It was the only place I could remember seeing rowing boats in London—on the Serpentine.
People were probably going to think I’d lost it when I wanted to take out a boat by myself. The emergency services were probably going to get called when I pulled in the oars and lay down, but I didn’t care. The people around would all be strangers. They wouldn’t dictate my day. It would be good training for me.