Total pages in book: 140
Estimated words: 140940 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 705(@200wpm)___ 564(@250wpm)___ 470(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 140940 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 705(@200wpm)___ 564(@250wpm)___ 470(@300wpm)
I just didn’t know how to find her, and what I would do once I did.
Behind me, a soft knock sounded and then the door opened.
I turned and saw Baba entering.
Today, her face appeared weathered in the morning light as if she had aged ten more years overnight.
She didn’t frown or smile. She just slowly closed the door and walked over to me.
I decided to see if I could speak. My throat was hoarse, yet words came out. “Did you know that I wasn’t the original?”
Baba gave me a sad smile. “It doesn’t change who you are.”
I returned to looking at the painting. “But. . .”
“Talk to me, Emily.”
“Am I still me?”
“You are.”
My voice cracked. “Am I still Emilio’s mother?”
“More than ever. More than anyone could be.”
“Good.” I swallowed. “Because I’m not going anywhere.”
“I hoped you would say that.”
I added a few more touches to my face on the canvas as if more detail would give me more power in reality.
Baba spoke, “I should read your cards.”
I looked at the painting, the figures representing the different parts of me, and a small sense of acceptance washed over my soul.
“Emily. . .”
“I came to New Orleans to become one.” I turned to her. “But I end up being six people.”
Baba gazed at the painting. “Did you meet all of them in this session?”
“I haven’t met Amber or the original.”
Baba considered that and let out a long sigh. “You may not need to meet Amber this time to heal.”
I blinked. “No?”
“However, healing. . .the very definition will need to be understood.”
“I don’t get what you’re saying.”
“I am not sure you will ever become one, Emily.”
My stomach twisted.
I gave her my back and looked out of the window. “Then, why the fuck am I here? Why the hell did you let me—”
“Because you need to gain control of Lunita—”
“I want to be the only one—”
“I am not saying that could not happen, I am just saying. . .”
I looked back at her. “What are you saying?”
“For this trip. . .consider learning how to gain control.”
“That’s not enough. They already think I’m the boss. I have control—”
“But you could be the original.”
I widened my eyes. “What?”
“If you got true control, you could be the original.”
“How is that even possible?”
“How are you even possible, Emily?” She stepped closer to me. “You are a magical wonder. A girl that survived dark horrors that many couldn’t, yet you stand here.”
“Baba, I don’t want to hear all of that shit.” I set the brush down. “How can I become the original?”
“Find the original.”
“And then what?”
“Heal her.”
“How?”
“Only you would know how to do that.”
“How would I know?”
“Because you are her.”
I shook my head.
Baba continued, “I wanted you to paint all of them tonight because you should try to understand them. Accept them.”
That very idea seemed daunting, yet there had to be a ring of truth to it. Each alter, each part of me, had a story, a reason for being.
“I’m scared,” I confessed, in a whisper.
“Scared of what?”
“Scared of losing myself in them and being fucking confused and more insane than I already am.”
“You won’t lose yourself,” Baba assured me, her tone gentle yet firm. “By understanding them, you’ll find yourself. The real you, the complete you.”
I looked at the painting, the figures representing parts of my psyche.
Baba pointed to my image on the canvas. “Do not look at this as your being bad or shattered—”
“But, I am—”
“You are the Mouse, the one who has truly navigated through life’s mazes. But now, you are not alone.”
I gritted my teeth. “That is an understatement.”
“You have Lunita, the little girl, M, and Amber.”
Shocked, I turned to her. “How long have you known their names?”
“The day you had Emilio, their names came to me.”
“Why that day?”
“I do not know.” Fear filled her eyes. “Sometimes. . .I am just as confused with all of this as you are.”
“Why didn’t you tell me then?”
“Do you think you could have handled it then?”
“Yes.”
“I disagree.”
I directed my view to Kaz. “He knows.”
Baba’s eyes watered. “And he still loves and accepts you.”
“But. . .what do you see for us in the future?”
“What do you mean, Emily?”
“Will he always accept this? Will there ever be a time when he. . .sees me differently?”
The questions tumbled out, my deepest fears laid bare in the quiet room.
Baba reached out, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Kazimir has faced his own demons, Emily. He’s not a man to shy away from challenges, especially when it comes to the woman he loves.”
“Sure. . .if I was a normal woman. . .but I’m not. . .tonight I wondered. . .”
“What?”
“Do I deserve him?”
“Love is not about deserving but about accepting and being accepted in all your chaos and complexities.”
My guts twisted into knots, unsure if I should really believe Baba or not.
“Kazimir loves you not for the clarity of your mind, but for the depth of your heart.”