Total pages in book: 101
Estimated words: 103661 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 518(@200wpm)___ 415(@250wpm)___ 346(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 103661 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 518(@200wpm)___ 415(@250wpm)___ 346(@300wpm)
"Not every day. I want to see you too." Only it is every day. As much as I'll miss her, I want to spend every fucking minute with Ian.
"I'm not going to talk you into facing your feelings." She takes the brush. Applies teal dye to a chunk of hair. "They'll hit you soon. And when they do… it's thrilling falling for someone. But it's scary too."
It is.
"I just want to say… you don't have to worry about me anymore, Evie. I'm okay. I've been okay."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"And I…" Her voice steadies. It's practiced. She knows exactly what she wants to say. "I know things can't be like this forever."
I swallow hard. "How are they going to be different?"
"You're really going to Hunter next year?"
"It's a good school."
She shakes her head. "Maybe. But you got into better ones. And if… I'm not stupid. I know there's more going on with Ian than you say."
"Yeah."
"You don't have to tell me."
"Okay."
"But you… you could afford to go to a better school now. If you wanted."
"Maybe." Tuition is expensive. It will swallow that money fast.
"You can go somewhere better than Hunter. If you don't want to, fine. If you want to stay in Brooklyn and not challenge yourself, fine. I love the city too."
"I do."
"Don't do it for me."
"But—"
"Please, Evie. Please, don't do it for me."
"It's for me. Because I want to hang out with you. You're my best friend."
"I know. You're mine too. But… you have to live your life."
"I do."
She nods. "Since you met him, yeah. If that's just the money, fine. If it's him, all the better."
It's both. The money gives me space to breathe. But Ian… he makes me feel alive. Like every part of my body is buzzing.
"If you kept seeing him, if he asked, would you want to live with him?"
"He won't ask."
"If he did?"
"Yeah." God, the thought of waking up next to Ian every morning… I like it way too much.
"Or if he wanted to take you to Europe for three months?"
"Three months is a long time." Longer than we have. Too long to be away from Addie.
"You're hiding from my point."
"I know."
She sets the mixing bowl and brush down. Sits next to me on the edge of the tub. "I love you, Eve. You're my best friend. You're my favorite person in the world. I know you're trying. That you don't mean to look at me like I can't handle myself. But you do." She pushes through her next breath. "I'm so sorry for what happened last year."
"Me too."
"I still don't know if I… I didn't think about things ending. I wasn't trying to die. My head was just so full. There was too much pressure. It was everywhere. I needed it to stop. Any way I could. I didn't think… I wasn't trying to—"
"I know."
"Do you? I know it was scary for you. It was scary for me too. And I hate that I put you through that… but do you know that I'm okay now?"
"Now, but…"
"I might slip?"
"It happens."
"I know." She folds her hands in her lap. "It scares me too. I'm vigilant about my anxiety now, but… it's not something that goes away. It's going to be there. Forever. I have to manage it forever."
I nod.
"But I have to manage it, Eve. I won't tell you to not worry. Or not be scared. Or not… I don't know. Want to protect me. I want to protect you too. But I need you to put yourself first, for once."
"I…" Don't. I can't say I do. Addie is always first. "I don't want something to happen to you."
"Yeah, but what about me? Do you think I want to see you shouldering the entire world alone?"
I shake my head.
"Worry. I worry too. Just… trust me. That I'll tell you if I'm not okay. I will. I promise. I know how to do that now."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Are you sure?" I blink back a tear. "Because I… Addie, I was so scared. In the ER. And after. When you were in the hospital. I thought I might lose you. I… it was like someone tore out my soul. I didn't think I'd ever breathe again."
"I'm sorry." She rests her head on my shoulder.
"You don't have to be sorry."
"I know. But I am. Let me have that. Let me apologize for putting you through that."
"Okay."
She steadies. Her voice. Her posture. "I can't promise I'll always be here. No one can."
"Life is a bitch."
"Sometimes, yeah. But I… I promise I'll tell you if I need help. If I'm slipping. Okay?"
"Okay."
She turns enough to look me in the eyes. "I need you to promise to trust me. Unless I give you a reason not to."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"I'll try."
"I appreciate it so much, Eve. That you're willing to sacrifice for me. That you want to make sure I don't take on too much. But I know my limits now. I can tell you if it's too much now."