Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 92043 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 460(@200wpm)___ 368(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92043 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 460(@200wpm)___ 368(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
Once again, the universe was torturing him.
With every moment, the pain in his chest tightened like a rubber band about to snap.
He was so relieved when he finally got home and flicked the dead bolt into place. The heat he’d been so grateful for an hour ago had become oppressive, making it hard to breathe. Sweat glistened on his skin from panic more than anything else and he pulled at the collar of his shirt as he sucked in the sweet air of his home. It was a blessing that he’d cleaned that afternoon. For once he was comforted by his apartment, like it was a cocoon that would protect him until he was ready to fly again.
Even more so when he flipped the switch and the lights actually turned on.
That was when the tears came. As if he could hold them back as long as everything was shitty and painful, but as soon as something good happened he fell apart. It was embarrassing how quickly he came unglued, what little command he had over his emotions these past few days.
Just like last night, an unstoppable rush of grief had him silently trembling. This time at least he made it to the couch before he collapsed in a ball. That was an improvement, but it didn’t make the situation better. Even as he hugged his knees, he tried not to let the feelings overwhelm him.
He couldn’t believe after so many years of not relying on anyone else he’d actually started to count on another person. This morning, he’d looked at Connelly and his heart had grown three sizes. For a moment he’d thought maybe love wasn’t such fiction after all. Maybe he could get a little corner of that Happily Ever After pie Ansel had been snacking on for months.
And the idea hadn’t scared him because he’d been looking into Connelly’s eyes at the time and he could have sworn the detective was having the exact same thoughts.
Turned out Connelly was a fucking good actor. Everything about their relationship had been a lie. His lungs seized at the idea and Z sucked in a breath between sobs.
He no longer trusted instincts he’d relied on for so long. If he could be so wrong about Connelly’s feelings, how could he trust himself anymore? What he needed was an outside perspective. He wiped at his face and eyed his cell where it sat on the coffee table.
What he needed was his family.
* * *
The boys arrived at Z’s place less than an hour later. He opened the door and was immediately swept up in one of Ansel’s rare hugs.
“What’s going on?” His friend backed him away from the doorway so the others could enter.
Z didn’t fight it. It’d been too long since he’d felt the comfort of his friends and he needed it right then. He’d been so stupid to push them away and hide everything he’d been going through. Maybe if he’d been open with them, things wouldn’t have turned out so badly. He buried his face in Ansel’s shoulder and held on tight.
“Whoa,” Ansel said, his arms squeezing Z more firmly. “Okay, I’m officially worried if you’re holding on to me like that. What happened?”
Behind Z, Tam stepped close and rubbed his back. With a deep breath Z gathered the strength to pull out of Ansel’s arms.
“Does anyone want a drink?” It wasn’t that he was trying to change the subject or avoid the whole reason he’d invited them over. He just couldn’t think of where to begin. Having everyone around felt good. Like the first step to healing that thing inside him that he hadn’t even realized was broken.
Jae grabbed his hand. “I will make us all tea. Go sit down.”
How could a man who’d been a stranger a week ago look at him with such kindness and understanding? Z didn’t know, but he was grateful as he allowed Tam and Ansel to lead him to the couch.
“Are you in trouble too, Z?” Tam asked. “What did Lirim mean? How could any of this be you fault?”
“I did something stupid. Really stupid.”
“Please don’t tell me you turned him in.” Ansel crossed his arms.
This was going to sting. “I should have.”
“What?”
“I knew he was using.”
“Lirim has always used, that’s nothing new.”
“This wasn’t just a joint now and then or even a pill or two. He was doing the hard shit. He got played by Keller. Did you guys know they were fucking?”
Ansel’s browns scrunched. “Since when?”
“Long enough.” He told them about Keller splitting and how Lirim was confronted by a couple of goons.
“What the hell? How could you not come to us?”
“I thought I could handle it. I thought I could handle all of it, even my own shit. Instead, I ended up ruining everything. Now we don’t have a place to dance, Lirim is locked up, and I’m... I’m...” Z let out a frustrated groan.