Total pages in book: 177
Estimated words: 163387 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 817(@200wpm)___ 654(@250wpm)___ 545(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 163387 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 817(@200wpm)___ 654(@250wpm)___ 545(@300wpm)
I doubt this was the first time this person had done something like this. Maybe not in the same vein, but surely the crazy didn’t just jump out with my appearance. I also got the feeling that Cody had his suspicions, though when I asked, he played it off. It scares me how close we’d come to being over, how easy it was for me to be duped.
What’s worst is the fear of what I could’ve lost had I followed my first instinct to just break things off as new as they were. I never want to have that feeling again. That gut-deep hurt like someone had died. But I don’t think I can live without the feeling of pleasurable relief I felt when I exposed the photo as a fake.
I think that moment changed something for me. I’d run the gamut of emotions from hurt to joy in the span of minutes. After suffering all day to have it come to the end it did, the feelings cannot be put into words. I know that feeling stems from what I’m beginning to feel for him. That it’s a sign of who he is, maybe who we’re meant to be.
I’m surprised at myself that I’m brave enough to come to that conclusion and not run hard in the opposite direction. That instead of holding onto the fear of any future betrayal and feeling that way again, I have chosen instead to focus on the more positive outcome.
I’m even more surprised by my inner monologue. The way I’ve so readily accepted that Cody was my once in a lifetime. The cautious, overly protected part of me wants to take it slow, to hold part of myself back, keep a part of me safely locked away so that I can never be hurt again.
But then there’s this other side of me, the side I see through his eyes. The side that wants to be worthy of someone like him. The side that wants to pursue this and get some of my own back.
That side of me had been stifled as a child, but now I find myself wanting to give it free rein, and I shall.
There was no one here to hold me back, no one to talk me out of it, of going forward with what I had planned. But there’s fear there too, fear of the unknown, of walking in unchartered waters and getting in over my head.
Though neither Jess nor Alexis had said anything, I wondered if they thought this was too much, that I was going too far. Sometimes I ask myself the same thing, but always on the heels of that question is the answer. No, it’s not too much. Had the photo been sent to anyone else, I maybe would’ve stayed out of it, but because it was sent to me, that meant this person had already engaged; there was no way for me to back out.
“I think it might be best if you let Jess or I do that. If you approach any of the guys, they might get suspicious.”
“You might be right. You do it, but don’t wait too long. Once we have a name to start with, I guess I can go from there.” I’m not sure what I plan to do with the information once I get it, but I know I have to do something. It’s better than waiting for this person to strike again. The best defense is offense, after all.
“Are you sure you want to do this? I’m not trying to talk you out of it.” Jess held up her hand and rushed to add. “It’s just, I know you; you’re not the type to get into stuff like this. Whoever did this isn’t afraid of a fight; you’ve never had to face anything like this on your own.”
“You didn’t see the look of betrayal on his face. There’s a lot I haven’t done before, but I know I have to do this.” I couldn’t quite put into words the drive behind it. What it was that made me want to see this thing through. I just know that this person’s actions had set off something inside me.
I can’t be the same scared little girl I’ve always been. I can’t let my time here turn out the same way high school had been. This was supposed to be a fresh start, a place where I could finally spread my wings and experience life on my own. This act came at the end of a long line of affronts that I’d faced and had no way of dealing with in the past.
I think it might be safe to say that all my years of pent-up angst and anger were finally finding an outlet. It’s not lost on me that whereas I’d let go of so much in the past, I wasn’t willing to let this go because of what it had made me do to Cody. I was so afraid once I realized that he was telling the truth.