Total pages in book: 47
Estimated words: 44256 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 221(@200wpm)___ 177(@250wpm)___ 148(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 44256 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 221(@200wpm)___ 177(@250wpm)___ 148(@300wpm)
“Do you not wish to rescue your sister?” Aithar asks, and it’s possible his voice is even more gentle this time than before.
I burst into tears and sink to the floor.
I’m a terrible person. I’ve been trying so hard to control everything around me that I’ve been losing track of what matters. Of course rescuing Rafaela matters more than anything. Of course she won’t care how shabby my house is. She won’t care if I don’t have two pennies to rub together. All she’ll care about is reuniting with me.
Because that’s how it should be, and I’ve somehow lost my original goal. I’ve distracted myself into thinking that I’m in control of the situation when all I’m doing is procrastinating.
And so I cry great big ugly tears in the center of my shabby living area. “You know I want to rescue my sister.”
“I know.”
“You probably hate me now.”
“Never. I love you.”
“You do not.” I weep. “I’m terrible.”
He folds his big body down and joins me on the floor. Aithar sits next to me, just close enough to feel as if he’s with me but not crowding me. “You are not. You are someone who has been through something very difficult and is holding tightly onto everything she has gained. Do you think I do not understand this? When I was first freed by Lord Straik, I did not know how to say ‘no’ to anyone. They could ask me to clean the lavatories with a brush the size of an eyelash, and I would have gone over them twice. I was endlessly pleasant, and I smiled at everything.”
“You still smile at everything,” I mutter, wiping my face.
“Only because I feel like smiling, my heart. It was Erzah that took me aside and told me that no one would send me away if I said no. That no one would think I was being a difficult a’ani, or that I could have opinions and it would be fine. I didn’t believe him, of course. I was too afraid that I would be sent back to the mining station and chained to my desk once more.” He gently strokes my wet cheek. “So I know what you are feeling.”
My mouth goes dry and I stare up at him with newfound shame. Chained to his desk? It’s horrific to think that slavery is a thing even with these technologically advanced aliens. “I didn’t mean to downplay your experience. My people know a thing or two about being enslaved, too.”
“I didn’t think you were mocking me. You are trying to take control of a messy situation, my heart. I understand. You are afraid to make changes in your life because you are comfortable. You do not want to destroy the fragile happiness you have created.” He nudges me with his elbow. “I would never judge.”
Fresh tears slide down my face, because he’s right. He’s very right. “And in the meantime, I’m a monster to everyone.”
“No. Not at all. You are just frightened.” He gives me the sweetest, most understanding look. “It is all right to be frightened, but you can talk to me about it. I am here to be your friend and your supporter, no matter if you decide you do not wish to use me for sex any longer.”
“I’m kind of a selfish asshole, because I don’t want that. I love you being here. I love spending time with you. Even when we’re not kissing…though the kissing is pretty great, too.” I eye his full mouth rather covetously. “That’s part of the problem. I try to imagine you in the same room with my sister and I can’t. And instead of dealing with it, I just keep choosing to fool around with you. That makes me the worst person.”
“It does not.” Aithar scoots forward and cups my face in his hands. “Do you know how I got past my fear of losing everything?”
“How? If there’s a trick, I’d love to know it.”
He gently wipes my face and tucks my coiling, wild hair behind my ear. “My friends. They realized that I was going overboard to please Lord Straik and them. In order to prove to me that I was safe, all the a’ani on the crew became the most disrespectful, loud, obnoxious, and obstinate crew of a ship ever. Every order Lord Straik said was met with angry denials. No one did their jobs. They argued and fought and did not clean up after themselves. In short, they were a terrible, awful crew. And Lord Straik argued with them back. When they yelled, he yelled. He was frustrated, but he never retaliated. When he grew angry, he had us all gather for a meeting to discuss what was going on. That was when I finally realized what they were doing. They were proving a point to me. That it was fine to have opinions and to sometimes be a terrible person. That we cannot all always be perfect. That we are still worthwhile even when we make choices that annoy someone else.”