Total pages in book: 32
Estimated words: 30218 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 151(@200wpm)___ 121(@250wpm)___ 101(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 30218 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 151(@200wpm)___ 121(@250wpm)___ 101(@300wpm)
All I felt was his warmth. The slow movement of his mouth on mine as he opened to me, and the rush of wet heat when his tongue slid against mine. I felt like something inside me had just been let off a leash. My teeth found his lower lip and I bit down gently, pulling and sucking on him like he was mine.
He moaned against me, softly enough that no one would hear it but me. But it went straight through me like lightning. A deep, primal need for this man, that I knew would never be fulfilled.
“Fuck,” I whispered against his lips as he pulled away. “Fuck, I want this.”
“I want it, too.”
Slowly, the world returned to my attention. The bar, the ambient noise, the entire reality of what we were doing. His eyes flared as he held my gaze, and I knew he must feel the same way.
For a moment, the kiss had felt like a green light. Go, go, go.
Now, I realized what it had actually been: a bookend.
I was never going to get to be with Rome, and this kiss wasn’t going to change that. His hand slipped away next, and then he broke my gaze, turning to his whiskey and polishing off the rest of it in one sip.
And then he was standing up. Dropping cash on the bar. And looking at me, one last time.
“Thank you, Casey,” he said. “You’ve meant more to me than you could ever know.”
I wanted to scream as I watched him walk off toward the front doors of the brewery, but I was silent and stunned the whole time. How could I chase after someone who didn’t want me? Or couldn’t want me, no matter how badly we both wished it were different?
The door shut behind him, and I watched the slow pattern of the multicolored twinkling lights that were strung above the door.
Like I was dazed. Here, but not here at all.
It seemed like a bitter irony that an hour later, as I was walking home in the cold, my phone buzzed with a call from Justin.
I picked up, holding the phone against my ear as I crossed Spruce Street, walking under lights and garlands that I knew Rome had put up.
“Hey, Justin,” I said, trying to add some pep to my voice that wasn’t coming easily.
“Case,” he said, chipper as ever. “Hey, man. What’s up over there?”
“Just walking home from the brewery near me,” I said.
“I bet Jade River is even more decked out with Christmas spirit now, huh?”
I peered across the street toward the small brick theater building. “There’s a group of teenagers literally practicing Christmas carols in front of the local theater, so yes, I’d say peak Christmas is very much here.”
“I love it,” Justin said. “I’m in Las Vegas right now, and there’s definitely a lot of spirit here, too. But more of a gamble for Santa vibe than a small-town cheer vibe, for sure.”
I mustered a laugh. Thoughts of Rome were still swirling in my mind, making me feel at war even though I was talking to my best friend.
Just be honest with him, I told myself, even though in some ways it was impossible.
“I, uh, actually ran into your dad at the brewery tonight,” I said.
Even if I couldn’t be completely honest, I could at least tell Justin most of the truth.
“No way,” Justin said. “That’s awesome. Was he all lonely, drinking by himself in the days before Christmas?”
“I think he was,” I said. “But I was kind of lonely, too. It worked out.”
“You probably made him feel a lot better,” Justin told me.
I cringed internally. “I don’t know about that.”
“I’m sure you did. And actually, that was kind of why I was calling. I wanted to talk to you about my dad.”
In that moment my heart felt like it launched up to somewhere inside my throat.
Justin wanted to talk to me about his dad? Why? Was he onto me?
“You did?”
“I wanted to know if you’d be able to see him on Christmas,” Justin said.
A bit of relief hit me. Fear was replaced by confusion, though.
“Me?”
“I know you’re going to be busy with your mom and stuff,” Justin said. “But even if it was only for an hour, going to see Dad after your day with your family. Do you think you could swing it?”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “I mean, I’m not sure, Justin. Why do you think that would be a good idea?”
“This is the first year I’m not going to be home for Christmas. Not even for Christmas Eve, or any of the days afterward. I’m in Vegas now, then San Francisco for a few days, and then I have to go all the way up to Chicago. And I know my dad’s taking that really fucking hard, Casey, even if he won’t admit it to me. He loves spending this time of the year with me.”