Total pages in book: 65
Estimated words: 64617 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 323(@200wpm)___ 258(@250wpm)___ 215(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 64617 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 323(@200wpm)___ 258(@250wpm)___ 215(@300wpm)
Skyler and Journey were the only ones who knew I came back every night after twelve-hour shifts. Checking on the kids while they were sleeping. I felt like a piece of shit every time I saw Camila sleeping in the guest bedroom with my baby girl in her arms.
Jackson was so mad at me. His father, the same one who’d always been his hero turned into one of the biggest disappointments in his life. He was acting out in ways I should have expected, though. Camila was handling it like a fucking champ. He was putting her through the ringer, and she took each and every blow. Giving it right back at him. My son needed a role model, and she was proving to be exactly that.
Jagger was withdrawing more and more into himself. My second born had always been quiet, reserved, thought shit out before he spoke. Wiser than his years. Bailey used to joke he was born an old soul, taking after me…
His father.
I couldn’t stay away from my children. I was there the only way I knew how, by watching from afar. Although neither of us deserved it, I lost count of how many times I saw Camila show Journey pictures of Bailey and myself, emphasizing we were her parents.
Journey knew me, she knew I was her daddy. I’d sit in the rocking chair that was supposed to bring us luck and watch her every night.
Anytime she was sleeping, she’d always wake up, even if it was only for a few seconds, she’d make eye contact with me and smile in her sleep haze.
There were several times she was already awake, waiting for her old man to show up.
Other than her, my sons hadn’t seen me since the day Bailey left me over eight months ago…
I stopped living.
Breathing.
Surviving without her.
Not seeing her but feeling her was worse than fucking death. Every breath I took felt as if it were my last.
How do you mend a broken heart?
How do you go on with life without your person walking next to you?
I missed her so damn much. I wish she’d come back to me, to us.
As soon as I walked into Journey’s room, she reached for me like she did most nights when she was awake. Standing against the bars of her crib.
Except I couldn’t hold her.
I couldn’t comfort her.
Our daughter.
Our baby girl.
The one we always dreamt of and prayed for.
I couldn’t be the father she needed. The one they all needed. I didn’t know who I was without my wife. Without her love, her reassurance, her smile.
I was lost in plain sight.
Journey wasn’t having it tonight, though, like she knew I’d just fired and threw out her favorite person. She was throwing a fit similar to the ones she used to have before Camila held her in her arms and made her know she was wanted.
Loved.
Adored.
Her wails got louder, blocking out all my other senses. Her cries turned into ear-piercing screams, and still I couldn’t reach for her, hold her, feel her against me.
“Baby, I’m sorry… Daddy is so sorry.” I broke down, falling to my knees. Pleading for mercy, for forgiveness, for another life where Bailey was still by my side.
With me.
Beside me.
Holding my hand.
“I never wanted this life for you, Journey. It was never supposed to be like this. Please forgive me, I need you to forgive me.”
More wails.
More screams.
More, more, more.
“God, is this what you wanted for me all along? I get it, okay? I hear you! Please I am begging you to make her stop. Please help me move on … I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t go on.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. My resolve broke, loud and fucking clear.
Sobbing.
Aching.
Fucking dying inside.
Tears ran rapidly down the sides of my face as did Journey’s. There was no end in sight.
“Please, God, just send me a sign … please, I need something to hold onto…”
And just as I wanted to give up, surrender my goddamn flag, I heard Journey cry out, “Ma! Ma! Ma!”
My heart stopped.
My stomach dropped.
The room started spinning.
I felt her. She was there with me. With us.
The woman I couldn’t for the life of me forget…
Vowing, “I’m here, Aiden, I’m here.”