Total pages in book: 225
Estimated words: 218500 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1093(@200wpm)___ 874(@250wpm)___ 728(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 218500 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1093(@200wpm)___ 874(@250wpm)___ 728(@300wpm)
Speaking of marriages in trouble – I don’t know what the deal is with Elijah and Sabrina. He dealt with his enemies while I was in the hospital, thankfully. He took her on a trip for Christmas, so I haven’t spoken with him since I’ve been out. Whether Sabrina went kicking and screaming on this trip or not, I’m not sure.
As for my state of mind, I haven’t had much stress, so I don’t know yet how I’ll react to it. I’ve got some stress management tools from my time in the hospital, so we’ll see. I agreed to continue to do one-hour weekly therapy sessions. For now.
My two months in the hospital wasn’t fun. I probably got worse before I got better enough for the doctors to not balk about me leaving. Between missing Chloe and feeling triggered by being in therapy, I very nearly walked straight through plate-glass windows every day for the first three weeks I was there in order to get out, in order to get back to my wife.
I didn’t know if Chloe would ever speak to me again without venom, hatred, and fear, and unlike when I first became focused on her as a goal, it bothered me deeply that she didn’t think there was any hope for us. I started to believe it. I was haunted by the notion she was terrified of bringing a child into this marriage because of me.
And I knew that my remorse might mean there might be hope for me. My developing feelings meant I might not be a complete sociopath.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay away from her forever. I knew I wasn’t done with her. At no point during the two months apart did I think I would ever let her go. I fought my urges hard, dreading seeing the hate and fear in her eyes again. But when I finally set eyes on her again on the surveillance feed for the building after Ash’s text telling me he saw her in the parking lot, hatred and venom is not what I saw.
She was distraught, no devastated. Devastated that when she came looking for me, she saw another woman there.
She told me she was a wreck for the first few days that I was gone, traumatized from my meltdown, from everything we’d been through. But then she began to miss me. She couldn’t stop envisioning a family with me in the house I bought for her. She didn’t want to be anywhere else but in that house, with me, making memories together. And a few weeks after I committed myself, she was late for her period and got Alannah to bring her a pregnancy test. She said she couldn’t wait to tell me the test was positive. She decided to do that as soon as I got out. And then sought me out when I didn’t come to her.
She told me that even before she thought I’d replaced her, she was ready to give me another shot, which terrified her. Which still does. She didn’t just want to give our marriage a chance because I wouldn’t divorce her. She didn’t just want to give it a real chance because she thought the doctors fixed me.
She tells me she loves me for who I am instead of loving me in spite of it. How I love her is what she wants. And that’s good, because I don’t know how to love her any other way. She still has fears. I’m probably still far from mentally well, but maybe I’m closer than I was before her.
I asked her yesterday if she wanted me to pay Adam Hallman out the million bucks early. So we can close the book on him. She told me she didn’t want me to pay him at all. I’ve done all I agreed to do. The suits. Hooked him up with Josh who is looking at clinical trials for him. He’s been given all the things I told him he’d get, including a publishing contract for his book series. Chloe says that’s more than enough. She wants me to take out the cameras, stop tracking his online activities, and donate the million dollars to medical research. I’ll make the donation, but I’ll have to think about the rest.
I’ve shown her the house, we’ve unloaded the groceries we shopped for on the way here, and it’s time for me to tick another one of my little bunny’s sexy bucket list line items.
“This is nice,” she says as she looks around the bedroom. “I love how big it is. We can come back next summer and fit a pack n’ play right here.” She gestures beside the bed.
I wrap my arms around her. “I don’t think we want our baby this close to the bed.”