Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 82940 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 415(@200wpm)___ 332(@250wpm)___ 276(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82940 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 415(@200wpm)___ 332(@250wpm)___ 276(@300wpm)
Erin winced. This was way too close to what Jay had said.
And then Mila leaned across the table and took her hand. “Erin, why don’t you just take a chance? What’s holding you back?”
And then that awful dark feeling of shame began rising within her. She’d never told anyone about what had happened in college. Maybe it was time she did. If Jay could confront the darkness of his past, she could face her demons too.
She took another sip of coffee, steeling herself for what she was about to say. “Mila, there’s something I’ve never told you. I’ve never told anyone. When I was in college, I—I had a date that went bad. Really bad.” She began to tremble.
Mila’s outrage was instant. “What?”
“Don’t worry, the worst didn’t happen. But when I was in my first year and living away from home for the first time, there was this guy. He was so good looking and so confident. I was thrilled that he chose me out of all the other girls on campus. I felt special. But it wasn’t true. He wasn’t interested in me. I found out later that he collected virgins.”
Mila looked disgusted as she said, “What a total lowlife.”
“I can see that now, but at the time I was so confused. We went out a couple of times and then on the third date, he really pushed me for sex. I knew I wasn’t ready, and I wasn’t ready for him especially.”
“Good girl. You showed good instincts, even that young.”
Erin shook her head, the memories churning her stomach, and making her feel cold inside. “But he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He got aggressive. I felt trapped.” It was hard to breathe, still trapped in that memory. “Mila, he called me the most awful names.”
Her sister leaned over and held her hand more tightly than before. “Erin, I’m so sorry.”
“All I can say is, it’s a good thing our brothers taught me some pretty good self-defense moves before I went off to college.” She paused. “I never thought I would need to use them, though.”
Mila looked murderous. “Tell me you took him down.”
“He’d walked me back to my dorm room and then invited himself inside—pretty much barged his way in. I asked him to leave, but he just kept telling me to relax, that he was going to make me feel so good. I’d never had anyone treat me like that and I was scared, but mad too, you know? I was so glad the boys had taught me how to take care of myself. I finally got him out the door a little worse for wear, but not before he turned nasty and called me awful names. He never bothered me again, but he spread some pretty dirty rumors about me. And I guess since then I’ve just avoided men who seem overconfident and brash. Who take up too much space.” She stopped, overwhelmed by the relief of finally telling someone her deepest secret. “So you’re right, I spend time with men who don’t threaten me. And now you know why.”
“Oh honey, why did you never tell me this?”
Erin looked down at her empty plate. “Because I was so ashamed.”
Mila sat there for a moment and then said, “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. It’s like you have a kind of victim shame, and you’ve lived with it alone for such a long time. But if you’ve ever felt shame because of that loser, or like you brought it on yourself, then you have to know you most definitely didn’t. That guy was obviously the worst kind of human, and you are the best kind there is.”
Erin felt unfamiliar tears prick at her eyelids. She whispered, “Thank you.”
“And it sounds like you were more than capable of holding your own and getting the hell away from him.” She sat back. “I’m not going to tell anyone else what you just shared with me. That’s for you to do if and when you feel you want to. But I do think you should give some serious thought to telling Jay everything you’ve just told me. If you’re falling in love, you want to start a relationship on even ground, where you’ve both told each other truths that no one else has. That’s what happened with Hersch and me and I can’t imagine it working any other way.”
Erin knew Mila was right. The trouble was, Jay had opened up to Erin and told her things about his past he’d never admitted to anyone before. But then at dinner, when they could have kept talking in this open, honest way she’d enjoyed so much, he’d defaulted straight back into his brash, cocky mode, which had set off alarm bells in Erin’s body.
She and her sister talked more about what had happened, and hearing Mila tell her how proud she was of the way Erin had stood up to a predator made her see herself in a new light. Then the conversation turned to Mila and Hersch and their plans to take a vacation together. Her sister was so deeply in love that Erin had a feeling there would be another Davenport wedding before too long. She was truly happy for her sister, and when Mila left after giving her a big hug, she knew how much she wanted a loving relationship like hers.