Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 82579 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 413(@200wpm)___ 330(@250wpm)___ 275(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82579 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 413(@200wpm)___ 330(@250wpm)___ 275(@300wpm)
“No, it’s okay, you don’t have to do that.”
She gives me a tight hug, and it takes all my self-control not to start crying when she takes her husband’s arm and they leave together.
Lev watches me from the doorway. “What did you and Nat talk about?”
“Nothing.” I turn and head to the stairs. “I’m tired. I’m heading to bed.”
“Wait.” He follows after when I don’t stop. “Carmie. Wait.”
“I’m just tired, okay?”
“You’re obviously upset.”
I turn on him when he reaches the landing. “Of course I’m upset. How am I supposed to not be upset? I’m basically your sister, except I’m not madly in love with my husband. You realize our kids are going to be a few months apart?”
He flinches slightly at that and looks away. “I know.”
“It’s fine, okay? I like them. I’m just having a hard time.” I storm away to my bedroom, but he calls my name one more time.
“Thank you,” he says. “For not saying anything.”
“About the baby? I wanted to.”
“I know you did, but I need to tell them first. There are going to be… questions. You might want me to take the initial wave of them first.”
I close my eyes and nod, feeling beyond exhausted. Not because tonight was a strain—it was surprisingly easy chatting with Natalya—but more because of the secret I can practically feel growing inside of me and the ramifications of what’s going to come.
A baby. A new life.
I’m going to be a mother, and Lev’s going to be a father.
“We don’t even like each other.” I don’t know why I say it. I can’t look at him as the words come out, but it feels like bile in the back of my throat.
“Who says I don’t like you?” His voice is thick, and I don’t bother turning around.
“You tolerate me. That’s not the same.”
“Carmie—”
“I don’t need you to love me, Lev. It’s probably better if you don’t, right? No strings, no complications. We can learn to do this together. But right now, I just feel like shit and wish my life weren’t such a disaster, that’s all. Can I go now?”
I look back over my shoulder and immediately regret it. His eyes are stormy and emotional, his mask slipped again, that darkness staring out. Again, I’m not sure if he wants to kill me or fuck me, and to him that might be the same thing. It should terrify me, except it doesn’t. I can’t even muster the energy for that right now.
“I’ll stay out of your way then,” he says and disappears to his room.
Guilt hits me when I’m alone. Maybe I was a little hard on him out in the hall. It’s just that seeing Natalya and Alex made me realize how far away I am from having a normal relationship with my husband. He made it so clear early on that I’m nothing to him, that he doesn’t want anything to do with me, and it’s only after he learned about the baby that he seems to care even a little bit.
I’m just done. That’s all, just done. I’ll feel better in the morning, or maybe I won’t.
I’m staring at a future of indifference, and it makes me want to curl up and sleep forever.
Chapter 18
Lev
My back hurts after a long day on the road. I’ve visited nearly half the jewelry store’s vendors, and most of them have seemed amenable to a change in ownership in the near future.
Except for one. A real prick of a sleazeball named Emory Smith. He’s an old-school watch dealer with a deep network of pickers and wholesalers, and he’s the best source for reasonably priced high-end pieces in the whole fucking city.
And when I told him that I might be taking over for my father, he basically laughed in my goddamn face.
I pour myself a vodka when I get home that evening. I’m in a sour fucking mood, and being in this house doesn’t help. There are already little pieces of Carmie all over the place: a floral potholder she left on the counter, a pad of paper sitting on the coffee table with little animal doodles all over the margins, her laptop on the couch covered in stickers.
I hate how defeated she seemed last night, and I can’t even blame her for it. Seeing Alex and Natalya made her realize we’ll never have a relationship like that, and what am I supposed to do? Get down on my knees and tell her that I’ll love her forever?
I’m not even sure I’m capable of that emotion.
But I do know it bothers me when she’s upset. Only I’m not sure how I’m supposed to fix it when I’m the problem.
I stomp around the house feeling bleak and angry before Carmie appears at the stairs, yawning. It looks like she just woke up from a nap, even though it’s nearly five in the evening. Her hair’s slightly messy and her eyes are bleary, and she stretches as she comes into the kitchen.