Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 98418 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 492(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 328(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98418 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 492(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 328(@300wpm)
I shake my head. "It'll get easier." I breathe.
"No Lilly, it won't. I heard what he said to you last night."
My tightening throat makes my voice hoarse. "I just can't be with him Molly."
"He's in love with you Lilly!" She shouts startling me. "And don't tell me you don't love him, because you've been miserable for two weeks now!" She takes a steadying breath. I stare at a spot on the floor.
"Lilly, I love you dearly and all I want is for you to be happy." Her face is etched with concern. "But I’m going to be cruel to be kind now. I think that the only reason you're unsure of Theo is because you're scared of getting hurt, because you view it as some kind of weakness. Well, I think you're weak for running away." I stare open mouthed at her. I've never been called weak in my life! Her face softens. "Nothing worth having in life is easy. Sometimes the greatest risks are taken for greater rewards. Jump in with both feet and you may find something wonderful. Theo adores you, he could make you really happy if you just give him the chance. You're my dearest friend, but you can be so quick to judge. Please, I beg you, don't let the past ruin the rest of your life. You must learn to trust again. You are worthy of love. Be the strong person that I know you are. Be happy."
I nod weakly before I turn and walk to my room. I can't listen to this right now.
I change into dry fit shorts and a sports bra and head to the dance studio around the corner. I used to dance. I used to love it, and I was good at it, but nowadays I don’t dance very often. I do, however dance when I’m stressed. I’ve spent every evening of the last two weeks in the studio working myself to physical exhaustion. It's the only way I can switch off my overactive mind from dragging everything to the surface.
I keep asking myself why I’m so scared of my feelings toward Theo. I don’t know why, but I can’t comprehend him loving me. Why is that? Am I that fucked up? Then of course I start thinking about the past, about my mother and my step father, and if I didn’t hate them enough already, I do now, because they fucked me up. They broke me. Am I destined to spend the rest of my life broken and unlovable? I can’t deal with these endless questions because I don’t want the answers, and so I dance.
When I get to the studio I slip off my trainers and go through some contempory routines. I find the gentle music soothing to my fraught emotions. I switch off my mind and block out everything. My body reacts on instinct to the music, without thought. I twist and pirouette, and I’m free of everything. I pause the music and take a swig of water, my chest is heaving.
There's a gentle knock on the door. I see him reflected in the wall to wall mirrors, looking through the glass of the door. The bruise that mars his face is visible even from here. I turn slowly to face him as he sheepishly steps into the room.
A long moment of silence passes between us. "What are you doing here Theo?" I eventually ask.
"Molly said you’d be here.” He looks at the ground. Bloody Molly. “You dance beautifully."
"Thanks." I drop my gaze to the floor, unable to look at him anymore. "Why are you here?" I look back up to meet his pained gaze.
"You know why." He whispers.
"Please don't do this Theo." I beg.
"I can't just let you go." He says brusquely.
A small amount of anger surfaces and I grab it with both hands. "You just can't stand it can you?" I stare at him. "You can't bare that I walked away, that I just don't want you." I put as much venom in my words as possible, whilst trying to swallow the lump in my throat.
"For a start, you and I both know that's not true." He states arrogantly. I glare at him. "And lots of women have walked away from me. I'm an arsehole remember, it comes with the territory." He frowns.
"Of course."
He sighs. "I've never cared about a woman before. But you're...I guess you're my weakness Lilly."
"Don't kid yourself Theo. You're just a sucker for pretty things. You said so yourself. That is your weakness." I sneer. I'm seriously hoping he doesn't remember what he said to me last night. I can't deal with that right now.
"What do you want me to say? Of course I was attracted to you because you're beautiful, beyond beautiful. But it's more than that..." He stops. "I thought you wanted the whole casual sex thing." He whispers.