Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 98418 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 492(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 328(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98418 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 492(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 328(@300wpm)
"Like I said you won't understand." I mumble.
"Look, whatever's going on, I can see that she's different. She's your exception. I can understand that much." The sincerity in his eyes surprises me. "She makes you happy."
"We're done. She said she can't do this anymore." I take a deep breath.
"I thought you guys were just Fuck buddies?"
"Yeah we were, but to be honest it's kind of complicated. This outcome was...'inevitable'" I pour out two cups of coffee.
"So why the 'just sex' arrangement?" He looks genuinely confused.
"She's the one who stipulated a no strings situation." I explain.
He raises his eyebrows. “Wow. But now she wants out?"
I shrug. "Apparently so."
He's silent for a long time. "Theo, I've seen you two together and she’s clearly into you dude. If she's the no strings kind of girl then that's probably got her panicking. She's probably just freaked out." I think carefully as he speaks. It sounds plausible.
"She's doing exactly what I would normally do." I laugh and put my head in my hands, desperately trying to process these new possibilities.
"Mmm hmm, and me. So do you like… want to be with her?"
"Yes." I answer without hesitation.
"Man you suck. Then you need to tell her. You don’t want regrets in life." He stands and places a hand on my shoulder. I nod. I'm just not sure I can let her break me all over again when she turns me down.
"Thanks, you’ve actually been helpful." I smile.
He laughs. "Bet you never thought you'd be saying that to me."
I laugh with him. "True."
The next week is the same pain filled pity party as the first few days. If this is what being in love is all about then I want nothing to do with it. I start to think that Lilly Parker is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, I was happy just blindly avoiding love and fucking my way through life until she came along, and now I’m reduced to this pathetic miserable mess.
Even as I attempt to convince myself and try desperately to hate her, I can't. I'm in love with her, no matter how much I don't want to be and the loss of her is what's killing me. I just want the pain to stop. I haven't had a drink since the day when Hugo came around, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. The weekend was quiet, none of the usual parties.
I've thrown myself into work as a distraction. I'm aiming to go to Rome in a few weeks, I need to get away from London and sort myself the fuck out. I would just up and leave now, but there are some big deals going on here in London at the moment, I’m still thinking rationally enough to know that I can't fuck all of that up for a girl, no matter who she is or how messed up my head is. Oh god, I’ve turned into such a fucking pussy, I think I just need putting down.
The following week seems to drag, I can't find enthusiasm for anything. The Media Inc. deal has all been finalised. Walker comes to the offices for the final sign over of papers, it's a difficult meeting, he's probably heard the rumours by now, seen the papers and the pictures. After signing the papers he stands to leave.
"I'm guessing you've heard..." I start. I don't know why I’m talking to him about this. I don't have to explain myself. "I just...I hope Lilly isn't in any trouble because of it, it was completely my fault..."
He frowns. "She's not. I've managed to convince the partners that it was a passing infatuation. I know better, but I think that Lilly's suffering more than enough without getting a bollocking, and judging by the state of you, so are you." He nods before turning and leaving.
The mention of her and the idea of her suffering in any way has a lump forming in my throat. I don't want her to hurt over this. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. It confuses me, because she has the power to end this, she would rather suffer this than be with me, and so the scab is ripped from the wound. I don't know why I brought it up. I guess the idea of her losing her job over me would be too much. I would have threatened to drop the firm if they had, perhaps that’s why it’s been allowed to slide, fear of provoking a reaction.
Come the weekend I’ve managed to control my emotions, control the pain. Now I’m just numb, I keep myself in a constant state of nothing. I feel nothing. The numbness becomes like a comforting blanket, the second it starts to slip I quickly make sure it's back in place, warding off all feeling.