Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 98418 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 492(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 328(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98418 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 492(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 328(@300wpm)
The restaurant is small with little candle lit tables. We sit by the window and order a bottle of wine. I watch as people on the street outside amble by in their own little worlds. A waiter brings us our wine and pours two glasses of the deep red liquid.
"So, you seem pretty settled here Lill's." He says when the waiter leaves.
"Yeah I am. It feels as though I can finally just live my life." Harry's expression is sad as he studies me. "Anyway, tell me all about your travelling." I ask quickly before it gets too heavy. Harry regales me with crazy adventures and interesting people he met on his travels. I laugh more than I have in months, and remember why I missed my brother so much. Harry always was that person who could make friends with anyone, lighten any situation and make me laugh when I wanted to cry. It's a skill borne of years surrounded my misery, a compulsion he has to make others smile. We laugh and eat our food, attracting attention from the other customers.
Eventually though comes the inevitable part in our conversation. I will always hate it, but Harry will always ask. My protective older brother.
"So how are you Lill's? I mean really." Harry is the only person who would dare to add really after that question.
"I'm okay, honestly. You fuss way too much Harry." I roll my eyes.
"Molly told me you've been seeing this guy, Cruise?" His green eyes reflect the candle light, revealing wisdom far beyond his years.
"Seeing is a strong word." I mumble. There's a pause, and I can see Harry struggling with something.
“Lill's. I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you." Harry looks down at the table.
"They told you?" I whisper.
"Were you going to tell me Lilly?" His voice cracks slightly and I can see the tears shining in his eyes. "I should have been here for you. I let you down again." He says brokenly. Oh god he's killing me.
I reach out and grasp his hand across the table; I touch my other hand to his cheek. "No Harry. You kept me safe for years when you shouldn't have had to. This time it was all on me. I was the one who got myself in that situation." I take a deep breath. "And that's why I wouldn't let any of them call you, because you sacrificed your own life to save mine. You waited until I was through Uni and settled, before following your dream and travelling the world. I wasn't going to ruin that for you. I knew if I told you, you would come straight back." I drop my hand from his face to hold his other hand.
"You needed me Lill's." He whispers as he squeezes my fingers.
I shake my head. "It's not what you think. It wasn't some traumatic event. I don't remember it. I might as well have gotten drunk and passed out.”
He grits his teeth and clenches his fists.
“Please don't make me out to be a victim. I've been a victim all my life. I don't want to be one now." I whisper. "It was just a silly mistake made by a silly girl who was determined to drown out her past, which is stupid and definitely doesn't work." I murmur.
"Oh I know. Believe me, I've tried." He whispers, his shoulders slump as his gaze falls to the table again.
"I want you to promise me something Harry."
He looks up at me. "Anything."
"Promise me you won't feel guilty about this. You'll let it go and take my word that I am fine." I hold his gaze firmly, pleading with him.
I've come to accept that Harry will always blame himself for our childhood, for our Mothers failings. Harry feels crippling guilt for something he was powerless to prevent, he was just a child. Meanwhile my heartless bitch of a mother feels nothing accept self-pity. I hate her with an unrivalled venom. I despise everything she stands for. Her failings derive from her weakness. If there is one thing I will never be; it’s weak. Weakness is like a poison, squeezing the life from a person until all that is left is a pathetic shell. Strength is what makes us, strength is what protects us and our loved ones.
Harry is strong and he doesn't deserve the guilt he burdens himself with.
"Okay." He finally whispers, though I know it's futile. Harry carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, taking responsibility for everything. I love him for it, but it saddens me.
"Good, so what are you going to do now you're back in rainy old England?” And just like that the conversation goes back to normal.
Harry pays for dinner, against my begging him to let me pay.
He's heading back to Bournemouth where he owns a couple of garages, they pretty much run themselves now, but he needs to check in with the guys. Harry had always wanted to travel, but swore he would never leave me while I needed him. I thought he would go when I went to Uni, but waited until I had finished my degree and had an internship before leaving. He even paid six months of my rent upfront before going, despite my complaining. He is the best brother in the world.