Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
“Maybe it was too hard for me!” rushed out, my body feeling like it would explode, a lifetime of pain shooting out. “Maybe I was being selfish! Maybe I knew I couldn’t do it—see you, talk to you, want you, and know I couldn’t have you! Maybe for once in my fucking life I did something that was best for me because I couldn’t handle knowing you were there, that you wanted me, but not being able to have you! Maybe I’m a selfish motherfucker who was never as strong as you thought and never as strong as you, so I did what I could to protect myself!”
Joey sucked in a sharp breath. His eyes went wide and…opened for me, opened up in a way they hadn’t since we were kids. His hands trembled, and he took a step closer, paused.
“I’m sorry, Joey. I’m sorry you became a casualty of that. I know I handled it wrong. I know I hurt you, and Mouse and Romeo too, but I couldn’t… I had to be strong in there, and I knew I couldn’t if I still had you. If you were waiting for me, putting your life on hold for me. It was never because I didn’t think you were strong enough. It was because I knew I wasn’t.”
Joey dropped his chin to his chest. “You shouldn’t have been alone. Even if it wasn’t me, you should have seen Angie or Kev or… Jesus, Gage. You were alone.”
“It was better for me,” I admitted. “Or maybe it wasn’t. It probably wasn’t, but I thought it was. And you might have had Mouse and Romeo, but now I can see you were just as lonely as I was.”
Maybe we always would be if we didn’t have each other.
“I don’t know how to go back,” Joey whispered. “I don’t think I can open my heart anymore.”
We were closer, I realized. I didn’t know if it was me who’d moved, or him, or both of us, but oh, we were closer again. “I don’t think we can ever go back. The Gage you used to know is dead, and when I look at you…I see the Joey I knew is as well.” There was nothing harder to admit than that—that the boy who’d loved me, and made me love him, was dead; that I’d mortally wounded him with the bat I took to his father’s head, then finished the job by telling him I didn’t want him.
“So what do we do?” Joey asked.
“Get to know each other? Maybe the new Gage and Joey can be friends.” Friends…so strange to think that word about him. Yes, he’d been my friend since we were six, but that word had never been strong enough for what we were. “You might realize you hate the new Gage. I might be annoying as shit.”
He chuckled, and I heard it, the familiar laugh of the boy I knew, buried beneath the husky voice of the man he’d become. “Oh, I’m sure I could give you a run for your money when it comes to that. I’m not sure you’ll like me anymore.”
He didn’t, I realized. Joey didn’t like who he was.
“I will.”
The gap between us closed. Joey’s hand wrapped around the back of my head, pulled me forward so our foreheads met. We breathed each other in, shared the same air the way we used to. Goose bumps played chase across my skin, and my insides came alive with the familiarity of Joey. Even this new Joey was familiar to me.
“I can’t believe the muscles you have now.”
He smiled. Neither of us pulled away. “I like it. Makes me feel accomplished—working on my body that way.”
My arm rose of its own accord, and suddenly my hand was cupping his cheek. “The bruises?”
“Fights…organized fights. Helps quiet the voices.”
My heart was gone then, just disintegrated, nothing but dust that blew away. It was a form of self-harm. Joey was using someone else’s fists to harm himself.
What had I done?
“No more.”
That made him pull away. “You don’t get to make that decision for me.” He cupped my face then in turn, brushed his thumb over my cheekbone. “You might have changed in some ways, but not as much as you think. You still try and be the hero.”
“Yeah, well, you still make me want to do things I wouldn’t want to do with anyone else. I haven’t given a shit about anything in years, and half an hour with you and I think I’m the king of the fucking world again. You screw with my head, Joey.” Always had, and it looked like he always would.
“That makes two of us.”
We stood there staring at each other, not knowing what to say. At least, I didn’t. I felt like I’d gone a few rounds with someone myself, my body and mind exhausted. “Friends?” I asked.