Total pages in book: 123
Estimated words: 115833 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 579(@200wpm)___ 463(@250wpm)___ 386(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 115833 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 579(@200wpm)___ 463(@250wpm)___ 386(@300wpm)
The depression I was in, wondering how life was worth living when it was so, so hard.
Always putting on a brave face, when deep down I was weak. I was soft. I was far from brave.
I thought back to a time way before I’d met Lew, back when my daddy would play hopscotch with me, or fail at braiding my hair into two thick braids. Back when I realized my dad was the first man I ever loved. And then he was gone—snatched away in the blink of an eye. And then there was Lewis. My sweet, sweet Lewis. Gone too. Forever.
A wail broke through my lips, and I dropped my face into my hands as I slid down the door. I could hear Deke calling my name, tapping on the other side of the door, begging to be let in.
Why is this happening now? Why now? Deke was the last person I wanted to see me like this. What the hell was wrong with me, anyway? Why was I in that damn lake house in the first place?
It hadn’t even been a full year since my husband died, and there I was in a house with another man, acting like my husband never existed. Acting like I hadn’t just clung to his cold, dead body while sobbing all over his chest.
Then there was Deke. I’d been so focused on my own grief that I hadn’t taken the time to explore his. All this time he’d been dealing with that heartbreak, and I didn’t know because I was so selfish, so stupid, so worthless.
No wonder everything was constantly ripped away from me. I didn’t deserve any of it.
I broke down in tears, letting myself feel it, take it in, just like Octavia had told me to do. She was my mini therapist. My safety net. I wanted to call her. I breathed in and out, and when I felt stable enough, I stood as Deke knocked on the door again.
“Davina, please. Let me in,” he pleaded.
I faced the door with wobbly knees and swiped at my tight eyes. Then I opened it. When Deke caught sight of me, relief washed over him, and the edge melted from his shoulders.
I walked past him, going for my bag again and stuffing my clothes into it.
“I need to go home.” I swiped hard at my face with the back of my arm.
“What? No. Why?” he asked, and I don’t think I’d ever heard such desperation in his voice. That cool-guy facade was cracking, the charming Deke being replaced by a helpless, confused one. “D, come on. Why are you packing?”
“Don’t call me that right now. Please,” I said, moving past him to collect my toiletries from the bathroom.
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”
I grabbed my bodywash and deodorant.
“You don’t have to go, though, Davina,” he said as I slipped past him again, stuffing the toiletries into one of the side pockets.
“Yes, I do.”
“Why?”
Ugh. Why couldn’t he let this go? Why couldn’t he let me go? How could he not see that I wasn’t worth it? That he deserved more? That just like the other men in my life, he would probably be taken from me, too, if I gave in to him?
I couldn’t risk that. The thought of it petrified me. If another person I cared about got snatched away somehow, my mind wouldn’t be able to handle it. I stared at him for a moment and shook my head. There was only one way I could think of to make him let go.
“I can’t be here, Deke. I can’t sit here and pretend that all this shit I’m doing with you is okay, because it’s not! I lost my husband. He was . . . he was supposed to be the love of my life, but now you’re here and you’re so perfect, and I just . . .” I cupped my mouth as the tears thickened. My throat felt raw, like my vocal cords were on fire. “I just have to go, okay? This whole thing with us has just been too much, too fast, and—”
“You’re scared,” he stated, and there was a hint of agitation in his voice. He may as well have called me a coward to my face.
“You’re right!” I shot back. “I am scared! I told you that from the beginning!”
“But what are you so scared of, Davina? I’m right here! I haven’t gone anywhere!” His voice had risen in volume to match mine.
I zipped my bag and slung it over my shoulder. I started for the door, but he stepped in front of me and blocked the way.
“No. Don’t fucking run this time! Tell me the truth. What are you so afraid of when it comes to me?”
“Everything, Deke!” I yelled, glaring up at him. He blinked down at me like I’d sprouted another head, but he didn’t startle, didn’t flinch. “I could hardly love Lewis the right way, but I knew when I met him, he was the one for me, okay? He was the one I was supposed to take care of, to nurture, to fuck, and whatever else a wife is supposed to do! I’m not supposed to be with a fucking basketball player! I’m not supposed to be with a guy who treats women like objects—who makes a game out of catching a grieving widow and having his way with her because he can!”