Total pages in book: 123
Estimated words: 115833 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 579(@200wpm)___ 463(@250wpm)___ 386(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 115833 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 579(@200wpm)___ 463(@250wpm)___ 386(@300wpm)
“I just feel so guilty,” I said thickly. “Every time I’m with Deke, I feel like I’m betraying my husband. Sometimes I feel like he’s still here—like he’s just waiting for me at home so I can tell him about my day.”
Tish slid closer to me and hugged me from the side. “I think you’re being way too hard on yourself.”
She was right, but how could I not be? It’d only been a little under a year, and I was already going out to brunches with another man and letting him finger-fuck me in parking decks.
When you love someone but have to part ways, it’s normally a struggle to move on, because that person is familiar to you. That person, at one point, was who you centered your whole life on. I was ashamed to admit I was losing touch with that familiarity. The presence of my husband had been washed away long ago, and though our memories lingered in my heart, something had changed—and not just now, or even when he died, but well before that.
I lost my husband as soon as he was diagnosed. He wasn’t the same man. He hated his life. He was miserable and didn’t want me being miserable with him, so he pushed me away at first. He wouldn’t talk to me, didn’t want to watch movies, didn’t want to cuddle, kiss, or any of it. It wasn’t until he lost some of his ability to walk that he reeled me in again, and I embraced it because every second with him was even more valuable than it had been before.
It was so hard with him in the end. So damn hard. And maybe that was why I was running with this fling I had with Deke—because it was so freaking easy. This bond I’d created with Deke was effortless and simple. It was right there in my face, and no one was stopping me from having it but myself and my guilt. Just when I felt I was overcoming that guilt, situations like the one with Gloria happened and my choices felt like mistakes.
I reached for my chest, clutching the dragonfly pendant.
“Have you ever considered the possibility that you can grieve and embrace change at the same time?” Tish asked in a quiet voice. “Grieving is not linear, Vina. Some days will hit you harder than others, but that doesn’t stop you from living. Sometimes you have to swallow it down and work through it. It’s even better when you can work through it with a person who gets it.”
I raised my chin to look at her. She was talking about Deke. “Yeah, well . . .” I sniffed, dragging the tips of my fingers over my cheek to wipe the tears away. “Regardless of what BOBBLE or anyone else thinks, me and Deke aren’t a couple. We just like each other’s company.”
“And you’re fuck-buddies,” Tish added, grinning.
I hiccuped a laugh. “Yeah. That too.”
“That’s all it is now, but if it transitions to more, don’t be afraid of it, babe, and don’t feel guilty for something that makes you happy.” She grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. “At the end of the day, we’re all humans, and we’re all just trying to make it through this thing called life. We only get one shot at it, too, so we might as well live it the way we want. It annoys me, because if you were a man, no one would bat an eye that you’ve moved on or found happiness with another person. Hell, they’d be praising you for it! I think Gloria is just mad because she’ll never have what you have with Deke. The fact that you’ve found so much comfort with him at this moment is rare, so stop letting these judgmental people get to your head. When it comes to Lew, there’s nothing you can do anymore. Okay? He’s gone, and you’re still here, and that’s fine, Vina. For him, you’ll live.”
I nodded, then wrapped her in my arms with a comforted groan.
As simple as Tish made that sound, though, not caring about what anyone thought was so much easier said than done.
FORTY-ONE
DAVINA
“Assholes,” I grumbled as I lay flat on the love seat in my office.
It was a little after nine o’clock, and now that all the drama and commotion had settled and Tish had gone home, I was looking at the pictures of me and Deke from Sunday’s brunch. Who even took these? And why the hell did it matter who Deke was talking to?
The caption was so stupid: Deke Bishop Spotted with Unknown Woman during Giselle Grace Rumors.
At first, I thought the article wouldn’t be so bad. It was only an image of us walking out of Manhattan Rose, and he was hardly touching me, only escorting me toward the valet. But then I scrolled down and saw the image of us almost kissing in the parking deck and his hand propped on my car.