Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 130275 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 130275 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
“I looked up into my big brother’s eyes and he said, “Keep safe, yeah, kid?” In hindsight, his voice was gravelly and stacked with emotion. I thought maybe he was just getting the flu or something. I’d told him I would. I thought he was talking about Stephan’s driving. But now I know he was talking about my life. Christ, Savannah, that was his goodbye to me, and I didn’t even know it. That was the last time I would hear his voice or feel him touch my hand. That was it.”
Savannah wrapped her arm around my shoulders and held me as I fell apart in the crook of her neck, my tears soaking her curly hair. “I replay that moment over and over in my head, all the time, several times a day. I see the subtle hints now. Hear the slight shake in his voice. But I didn’t see them at the time. His window wasn’t transparent; it was thick with condensation, and I just couldn’t see through it.”
I looked at the cherry blossom flowers Savannah had painted, then the stars that hung like gems from the sky. “Stephan was with me. We were on our way to the store, when he realized he’d forgotten his wallet back at the house. He wanted to grab some food for himself, was hungry, and we didn’t have enough cash to go through a drive-through. We turned back, only to see my brother’s car roaring down the road we were on, in the opposite direction. I was so confused as to where he was going. He was meant to be at the party. But what concerned me more was the speed he was going. It was reckless. He was never reckless. Always calm and measured. I told Stephan to follow him. A pull in my gut was telling me something was wrong.” My teeth gritted together. I wasn’t sure I could do this last part. I wasn’t sure I could find it in me to say what happened next out loud.
“If that’s all you can say, that’s okay,” Savannah said, clearly reading me right. I pressed a kiss to her hair, then met her watery eyes. I wanted to tell this girl. I wanted to share this with her. “No one is pushing you to say more.”
I searched her face, then thought of my painting again. I had to tell her. I didn’t want that darkness to be my future. The truth was, I think it had already begun to take hold of me. I had come to believe that kind of darkness acted in a stealth attack. Slowly invading a soul bit by bit until it had consumed them without them even realizing. Then they were too weak to fight it off.
I sat up straighter, determined to fight the goddamn thing back. I didn’t want it to consume me. “We saw Cillian’s taillights up ahead and followed him. I was so worried about him. He was picking up more and more speed, swerving in the road as he fought to keep it on track.” I paused, fought back the lump in my throat. I breathed and whispered, “Then I watched him purposely plow headfirst into a huge, solid tree just off the road’s sharp bend.” Savannah sucked in a quick breath. I was shaking, I was shaking so badly as I was thrust back to that moment whether I wanted to be there or not.
“I jumped from Stephan’s car before he’d even stopped. And I ran for Cill. I ran faster than ever before. And when I got there, I wrenched the driver’s side door open and saw him …” I shook my head, trying to rid myself of that image. “It was too late, Sav. He was gone.” Savannah’s arms wrapped around me tighter, and she crushed me to her chest. I fell apart. I drowned in my tears until my chest was raw and my lungs burned so much it hurt just to take in a breath.
“There were no drugs or alcohol in his system. We found out afterward that he’d disabled the airbag, Sav. Before he’d driven. The seat belt too. He made sure there was no coming back from what he intended to do.” I tried to clear my throat, but my voice was so graveled it was almost nonexistent. “I pulled him from the car … and I held him. I held his broken body until the paramedics came and they forced me to let him go.”
Racking sobs still came, refreshed and carrying just as much weight as the ones before. “I still feel him in my arms sometimes, still feel his lifeless body pulled to my chest. I tried to bring him back—CPR, pleading to God to save him—but he was gone, Savannah. He was gone. As quick as that … and I watched him do it.”