Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 83586 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83586 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
“Not great. He’s okay and all. I know he’s happy with me, that he wants this, but it’s killin’ him that he’s losin’ his family over it. He tries to act like it don’t bother him as much as it does. He was so determined to stick it out, to stay in the house and not walk away from his family, but the longer it goes on…it’s hurtin’ him, Kendra—a lot. And the guilt is eatin’ away at me because of it.”
We hadn’t had dinner at the house since the night he told them about us. That wasn’t how Jasper and his family had ever worked. They were close, leaned on and spent time with each other. Sherry would talk to him when Bob wasn’t home. Any time Jasper and his dad ran into each other on the property now, they either ignored each other or Jasper would try to talk to him and Bob would pretend he didn’t hear a damn word of it.
“It’s not your fault. Don’t let them make you feel guilty for their bigotry. That’s not your burden to carry.”
“Yeah, but I love him, and I hate to see him goin’ through this.”
“You can’t control them, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. You also don’t have to feel bad about wishing the two of you could be public with your relationship.”
I groaned because that was a sore topic. I did wish for more, but I wasn’t upset with Jasper because of it. I understood. He was trying to obey his family’s wishes so he could get close to them again. He was trying to win that battle before we opened ourselves up to more. But sometimes I just wanted to be able to hold his hand when we walked through Ryland. I wanted to put my arm around him when we walked to the truck after work. I wanted to be able to confirm to Uncle Brian and the whole fucking world who we were to each other. But I would never push him. Still, part of me worried his family was an excuse, that Jasper would never feel comfortable being bisexual or letting the world know he loved a man. And that hurt.
“I can’t believe this is so hard. Folks who haven’t gone through it don’t understand. I never would have before. And the thing is, we’re missin’ out on people who would be acceptin’ and affirmin’ because of the hateful people. Feels like lettin’ them win.”
“I know. I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do. He still won’t even tell his cousin?”
“Nope.” Though I could see his reasoning there. Jasper was right about Sammy—he’d come home and try to fix it; that’s how Sammy was—but I had to spend a whole lotta time trying to convince myself that was the only reason Jasper wouldn’t talk to him.
“Ask him about coming over. You guys work, stay home, or take off together for the weekend or a day, camping or hiking, doing your thing. But it’s important to be around people who are in your corner. All he’s seeing are his parents, who make him feel like he’s doing something wrong. That can’t be healthy.”
I sighed. She was right. I just wasn’t sure how to make Jasper see it. “I thought things were better, ya know? I mean, it’s not something you see in Ryland every day, but I got eyes in my head. It’s on TV and the internet. There are Pride parades, gay bars, and people being true to themselves all over Asheville and Charlotte, places like that. And while I know it’s better than it used to be, I think there’s a false sense of security, especially for people who aren’t queer, thinking everything is equal now and some people don’t have the need to still hide. It’s stupid, I know it, but I’ve been lookin’ stuff up, and people are judged, hurt, regulated by laws every fuckin’ day. I can’t understand it, and then I wonder if I would’ve been just like those people if it wasn’t for Jasp.”
“You wouldn’t have.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do.”
The front door opened, and Jasper came in with a handful of bags. He grinned at me the way he did that made me feel like nothing bad could ever touch me, like it would all be okay because I had him. “I’m gonna go. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Ask him about it.”
“I will.”
Jasper set the bags down by the door, came over, and flopped down on the couch, lying with his head in my lap. “Love up on me. I had to do all the shoppin’ by myself. I deserve a medal.”
“I did it last week.”
“That’s beside the point,” Jasper replied, and I snickered before running my fingers through his hair.
“How did you survive it? All that work in the grocery store? It must’ve been torture.”