Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 83586 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83586 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
“Fuck!” I sat down, pressed my back against our tree, the one where I’d found Sutton on the day of his family’s funeral. The one we kept returning to through the years. The train sped by in front of me. I let myself wonder where it was going, what would happen if Sutt and I just jumped on it and let it take us away the way we used to talk about when we were kids.
My tears wouldn’t stop, and I hated every fucking one of them. Wished they would hit that point where they would dry up, wished they hadn’t come at all because there were too many truths behind them, truths I’d never allowed myself to admit, to see. To acknowledge were there.
I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, didn’t know how long I sat there when I heard the crunch of twigs breaking beneath feet behind me. I knew without looking it was him; of course it was him.
“How did you know where I was?” I asked, looking around for the bottle of tequila I’d been drinking. Where the hell had it gone? My cell battery had died, and it was dark as shit.
“I heard the train in the background. I had to drive here from Kendra’s, though. I didn’t know if you’d still be here.”
I winced at her name, that Sutton had been at her place when I called, likely in her bed. They probably sat around and laughed at me. Maybe she’d been listening, hearing me spill my fucking guts and begging him not to leave me.
I dry heaved.
“What the hell are you doing, dumbass? I can’t believe you drank this much.” Sutton knelt beside me.
Me neither.
He shined his cell flashlight at me, making me close my eyes and try to turn away from him. The thought of him seeing me like this twisted up my insides, made me want to shrink into myself even though I knew this was Sutton and he would never judge me. I could always be myself with him.
He cupped my cheek gently, turned my head so I faced him. I looked at him, saw all that heartbreak in his dark eyes. Because he was leaving me? Because he hated hurting me?
“Jasp,” he said softly, then started wiping my tears, the same way I’d done to him when we sat in this same spot talking about the funeral. That only made the tears start flowing again, uncontrollable and filled with the words I didn’t know how to say.
“What’s wrong with me?” My gaze still held his, and he wavered in my vision, watery and blurry. Sutton kept trying to dry my face, but there was no use, it was endless, like maybe they would go on for eternity.
The wind blew, and Sutton trembled. It was downright cold, and that snapped me out of it a bit. “Here.” I tried to take my hoodie off for him, but my fingers kept fumbling it. I couldn’t pull it up. He shouldn’t be cold. He should be comfortable and warm.
“Stop. You’re not givin’ me that. Let’s just go home, okay? We’ll figure this shit out at home.” I let Sutton grab my hand and pull me to my feet. The alcohol made my head spin, and I stumbled, Sutton reaching out to wrap an arm around me. “You fuckin’ idiot. Don’t drink so damn much next time.”
“Not the first time you’ve called me that, and I doubt it will be the last.” The reality of our situation hit me as Sutton took a step, helping me along. “Or maybe it will be. Maybe everything changes after tonight. It already has. I already lost ya, I feel it. I’ve felt it every damn day for months.”
“Don’t talk. You’re fuckin’ with my head right now. I can’t do this until we get home.”
So I did what he said. It was the least I could do. I’d already screwed things up beyond repair.
We were quiet as we walked home. To our home. It would always be our home, even when Sutton left me.
“I thought you were gonna be quiet?”
“I said that out loud?”
He chuckled, but I could tell it was forced. There was more pain behind it than real joy. “Yeah, you mumbled something about our home and it always being ours.”
“It will.”
“Still not shutting up.”
But I did smile. This was so us, and it was perfect.
I was pretty sure I managed to keep quiet the rest of the way. If I said anything else, Sutton didn’t tell me. The words were building up inside me, though, fighting each other, trying to be the one to get out first. It didn’t matter how much I tried to swallow them down, they were right there at the end of my tongue.
The second we stepped into the house, they burst free. “I’ll fix it, Sutt. Whatever I gotta do. Tell me how to fix it so you won’t go. Tell me how to fix us. No matter what it takes, I’ll do it. I’ll—”